Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

[@cool@]

В гората, крај една малка и бистра рекичка, Мечо и Зајо ловјат риба.
От доста време не им в'рвјало, но накраја, както става в'в вицовете и приказките, ненадејно уловили Златната рибка.
И както си му е ред'т, тја им предложила да им изп'лни по три желанија ако обештајат да ја пуснат. Нашите горски пријатели веднага се с'гласили. И Мечо, като по-голјам и нет'рпелив, веднага изр'сил:
– Искам всички мечки в гората да са женски и да са само мои!
– Готово, казала Златната рибка, изп'лнено е.
– Аз искам един чувал с моркови – обадил се плахо Зајо.
– Готово е, казала Златната рибка.
– Еј, аз приб'рзах преди малко, казал Мечо, искам не само в гората, а в цјалата страна мечките да са женски и само за мене!
– Изп'лнено е и това казала Златната рибка.
– А п'к аз искам, отсега натат'к в гората да не ст'пва ловец - казал Зајо, след крат'к размис'л.
– Така да б'де, казала Златната рибка.
– Ама това беше толкова неочаквано, че се об'рках от самото начало - казал Мечо. Не, бе не! Исках да си пожелаја мечките по-целија СВјаТ да б'дат само женски и само мои!!!
– Готово, казала златната рибка, изп'лних ти и трите желанија. А ти Зајо, кое е твоето последно желание? Зајо се позамислил малко, почес'л се по главата гледајки как Мечо скача от радост по полјаната, и изт'рсил:
– Моето последно желание е: Мечо от сега-натат'к да б'де ГЕј!!!......
– Готово, изп'лнено е и твоето последно желание - казала Златната рибка. И Зајо, виждајки две огромни лапи да се протјагат к'м него, б'рже ја пуснал в'в водата.
ПОСЛЕСЛОВ: Мечо, хванал Зајо, в нежна, но здрава мечешка прегр'дка, тихо му шепти-Зајо, толкова си хубав и нежен, така пухкав,.......не се д'рпај толкова де.....!!!!
ПОУКА: Не винаги става както в лафа - прееби си другарчето, и му гледај сеира.....

 

[la-loca]

Napisala učiteljica zadatak na tabli, pa prozvala Pericu:
Perice, kojom metodom ćemo rešiti ovu jednačinu?
Perica odgovori:
Metodom uzaludnih pokušaja..

 

[@cool@]

Odmarao se čovek u vikendici pored ribnjaka, i čuje neki smeh... Kad je stigao do ribnjaka, vidi pet devojaka kako se kupaju gole. Devojke ga primetile pa otplivaju u dublji kraj ribnjaka i viču: Beži perverznjače, nećemo izaći dok si ti tu!
Ma nisam ja došao da vas gledam, nego da nahranim krokodila...

 

[HITCH]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[Saladin]

One day a James Bond, Robbin Hood and Rambo was sitting in a
pub bragging about how well each of them could shoot.
They decided that they should have a small competition to show who
the best marksman is.
They grabbed a little guy who was busy listening at the conversation.
They let him stand against the wall with an apple on his head.
James was first, he took out his pistol and fired one shot. The apple
exploded. He said while blowing in the pistols barrel :
" BOND, JAMES BOND."
Robbin was next and took out his bow and arrow. He took aim and fired
one arrow. The apple flew into the air with the arrow sticking into
it. Robbin said : " Robbin, Robin Hood."
Rambo was next and he took out a double barrel shotgun. He aimed and
fired. The apple and the little mans face exploded. Rambo said :
" SORRY...FUCKING SORRY ."


The VIRGIN
==========

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You
put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to
be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the
first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply
and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised
he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust
him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You
begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses
closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges
throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood
as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's
too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head
and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few
frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls
it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and
thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth
pulled.

--- надополнето ---

POLITICS
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so
we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you
"The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother
we can call "The Future". "-Do you understand, Son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went
to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found
his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where,
peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the
maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so
the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father:
"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".

Father: "Good son| Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely
ignored and the Future is full of shit".

 

[@cool@]

dosli nemac,italijan,i srbin kod boga.....
I pita bog nemca: Zasto si ti umro??
Nemac: Pa meni je tata za rodjendan kupio novog mercedesa,i ja 250 iza krivine,i eto mene....
Bog: dobro,idi u raj
Pita bog Italijana: Zasto si ti umro??
Italijan- a meni je tata za rodjendan kupio novog Ferarija,i ja 250 iza krivine,i eto mene....
Bog:dobro,idi u raj
pita bog Srbina:Zasto si ti umro??
Srbin: Pa meni je tata kupio novog Yuga,i mi svi pocrkali od gladi

 

[la-loca]

Ulazi čovjek u trgovinu i unutra situacija:
prodavačica plače, ispričava se svim silama, a čovjek stoji pored pulta i
viče:
- "Pizda ti materina, u životu neću kročiti ovamo.
Ima da se žalim gazdi ima da letiš sa posla jesi li me čula...",
i izleti van.
Ovaj koji je upravo ušao priđe djevojci, a ova čim ga primijeti počne
brisati suze i uz usiljen
osmjeh kaže: - "Izvolite..."
Čovjek je pita jel treba pomoć ili što, a ona sa osmjehom odgovara:
- "Neka hvala, sve je u redu, izvolite..."
- "Mogu li dobiti jednu kovertu?"
- "Svakako , koja velicina : imamo standardne, veće, manje..."
- "Običnu , molim vas."
- "A koju boju : imamo plave, žute, crvene, bijele, zelene, naranđaste..."
- "Molim vas dajte plavu , ali brže pošto autobus samo što nije krenuo,
zakasnit ću...;
- "A koju plavu ? : imamo pariško plave, blijedo, tamno, morsko plavu..."
- "Molim te običnu plavu , ali brže..."
- "A koji oblik, imamo u obliku srca, trokuta, kruga..."
- "Molim vas običnu četverokutnu kovertu ali brže autobus već kreće..."
Donese plavu kovertu i kaže:
- "A da vam ne treba možda markica?"
- "Treba, daj jednu," i gleda autobus kako odlazi...
- "A za unutarnji ili vanjski promet?"
- "Unutarnji molim vas."
- "A koju ćete: imamo sa likom ljudi, životinje, razne prirodne ljepote,
znakove..."
- "Molim vas - brže - dajte životinju."
- "A koju ćete, imamo: sisare, ptice, gmizavce..."
- "Molim vas ptice..."
- "Imamo grabljivice, selice, letačice..."
- "Molim vas - grabljivicu - ali brzo!!!"
- "A imamo orla, sokola, lešinara, ... "
- "Molim vas orla..."
- "A imamo surog, američkog..."
- "Molim vas surog orla..."
- "A imamo ga kako hrani mlade, kako leti, kako sjedi u gnijezdu..."
- "Dajte kako leti molim vas...."
- "A imam kako leti iznad kanjona, iznad mora, ..."
- "Dajte bilo koji što prije..."
U tome trenutku ulazi unutra čovjek sa početka ovog vica i nosi - govno u
ruci!

Prilazi pultu, pogleda prodavačicu i baci govno na pult i kaže: - "EVO, PIČKA TI
MATERINA, ZA OVAKVO GOVNO
MI TREBA WC PAPIR!"

:pos2::pos2::pos2:

--- надополнето ---

Putovao tip avionom i morao da ode do WC-a. Pošto je muški bio zauzet, primeti da je jedna riba upravo izašla iz ženskog, pomisli "Niko ne gleda" pa pode da se olakša
Unutra - četiri šolje.
Na prvoj piše "Za vršenje nužde". Obavi on posao, pogleda na drugu - piše "Pranje". Sedne na drugu, oduševljen prijatnim mlazevima , opere se.
Na trećoj natpis "Sušenje". Odlično, pomisli, sedne na treću, osuši se, sve haos. Baci pogled na četvrtu - na njoj skraćenica "AVT". Hm, šta li je AVT? Ajd', kad je sve prošlo ok, sedne i na četvrtu.

Tu se tip, očigledno posle kome, budi u bolnici. Pita bolničarku šta se to desilo. "Našli smo vas u ženskom WC-u", objašnjava mu ona.

Da, ali šta je dodavola ono AVT?!

- Ah, to je automatsko vađenje tampona. Izvolite vaša jaja...

 

[@cool@]

Зајо Бајо бил влјубен в Кума Лиса и искал да направи всичко в'зможно за да падне в објатијата му. Поискал с'вет от по- опитнија от него Кумчо В'лчо и тој го пос'ветвал пријателски:
- Виж какво- говори ј за цветја, тја много ги обича.
Отиш'л обнадежден Зајко и казал:
- Като си го на зјумбјулја, так'в ште ти натрендефилја, че чак листата ти ште окапјат!
За негова изненада обаче това не подејствало и ништо не станало. Тогава В'лчо му казал:
- Тогава ј говори за строителство, тја много го обича.
Зајко не се отказал и отново отиш'л при лјубимата си:
- Като си го накирпича, так'в ште ти го бетонирам, че чак керемидите ште паднат!
Да ама пак не дало желанија резултат и тој отново се озовал при В'лчо:
- Зајо, говори ј за мотори, тја е влјубена в тјах.
И Заека:
- Кума Лисо, като си го на јамахам, так'в ште ти го нахондја, че чак гумите ште фр'кнат!…

 

[Николина]

Who's the Clever one?

A traffic policeman stops Maggie and asks to see her driving licence.

'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well, Officer,' explains Maggie, 'I have contacts.'

'Lady, I don't care who you know, you're still going to get a ticket.'

 

[Hattori Hanzo]

Police Officer pulls over speeding driver.Officer: "papers?"
Driver: "Scissors, I win!"

 

[@cool@]

Лекција в'в военната академија. Преподавателјат диктува и едновременно с това записва на д'ската:
- Новијат БТР може да работи при плјус 50 и при минус 50 градуса по Целзиј...
В този момент се чува зв'нец'т за междучасието. По време на почивката един от студентите дописва к'м -50 оште една нула.

--- надополнето ---

Двама студенти в техничесија университет си говорјат:
- Какво ште правим?
- Дај ште хв'рлјаме монета: ези - ште купим бира, тура- водка, а ако остане в'в в'здуха - ште учим...

 

[JocikA]

During the cold war, americans trained their best spy and sent him in Moscow. He infiltrated immediately, started drinking 2 bottles of vodka, sang russian songs, and arguing with local people about sports at the bar. When he went at the safe house he took a taxi and had a conversation with the driver speaking russian of course. After 15 minutes the driver said to him : You must be american ! The spy was confused. - I trained 4 years, spoke only russian, drank 3 bottles of vodka every day, learned about your history, sports, politics..... How did you knew I was american ? - Well, you are good but you are black man ! - replied the driver

 

[@cool@]

Една жена умрјала и отишла при Господ, а тој ја пита.
- Ти пиеше ли?
- Не.
- А пушеше ли?
- Не.
- А изневерјавала ли си ?
- Не.
Тогава Господ накарал едно ангелче да му донесе чифт бели крила.
- Господи ти ангелче ли ште ме правиш?
- Не ма, патка.

 

[@cool@]

Една блондинка разправја на друга
-Мечтата ми е да срештна една феја, којато да ми даде сто хилјади
-Зашто не милион, пита ја другата
-Уууу ти па, това не е реално, отвр'шта и п'рвата.

 

[Николина]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

What is the difference between men and women:....
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.