Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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Seraphim
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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the
Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.

Then he smells the liquid.

Smells like tequila.

So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses.

The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you drink from the Bottle.

Arriba !!!
 

The`bItCh

AdJuStAbLe mAdNeSs
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Dva Italijana i jedna Italijanka,

dva Francuza i jedna Francuskinja,

dva Nemca i jedna Nemica,

dva Grka i jedna Grkinja,

dva Engleza i jedna Engleskinja,

dva Srbina i jedna Srpkinja,

dva Eskima i jedna Laponka,

dva Japanca i jedna Japanka,

dva Kineza i jedna Kineskinja,

dva Hrvata i jedna Hrvatica,

dva Albanca i jedna Albanka,

dva Amerikanca i jedna Amerikanka,

dva Irca i jedna Irkinja

jedan Jevrejin i dve Jevrejke.


Mesec dana kasnije, na tom carobnom pustom ostrvu, usred nigde, izdogadjalo se stosta: Jedan Italijan je ubio drugog Italijana zbog Italijanke.

Dva Francuza i Francuskinja su srecno ziveli zajedno u menage a trois.

Dva Nemca su se striktno pridrzavala nedeljnog rasporeda naizmenicnih poseta Nemici.

Dva Grka su se u medjuvremenu zblizila i pocela da spavaju zajedno, a Grkinja im je cistila i kuvala nadajuci se brodu iz Afrike ili Indije.

Dva Engleza su cekala treceg Engleza da ih predstavi dami.

Dva Srbina i Srpkinja su se odmah politicki angazovali. Njih troje su osnovali sedam politickih stranaka: dva Srbina i Srpkinja su osnovali Demokratsku stranku Srbije u egzilu, Srpkinja je osnovala Kolo srpskih sestara u egzilu, dva Srbina su osnovala Srpsku demokratsku stranku u egzilu, jedan Srbin i Srpkinja su osnovali Srpsku demokratsku stranku za medjunarodnu saradnju, drugi Srbin i Srpkinja su osnovali Demokratku partiju Srbije za medjunarodne odnose, jedan Srbin je osnovao Srpsku demokratsku stranku za prava coveka i drugi Srbin je osnovao Demokratsku partiju Srbije za zastitu ljudske sredine. Zbog danonocnih politickih obaveza nisu imali vremena za druge aktivnosti.

Dva Eskima su dobro osmotrila beskrajni okean i Laponku. Zatim su odlucili da otplivaju.

Dva Japanca su poslala faks u Tokio trazeci dalja uputstva. Cekajuci odgovor, u senci tresnje, Japanka se svakodnevno depilirala.

Dva Kineza su otvorila restoran/biljnu apoteku/diskont pica/samoposlugu/praonicu, i uspeli su naprave Kineskinji blizance, kako bi obezbedili neophodnu radnu snagu za njihovu prodavnicu.

Dva Hrvata i Hrvatica su se dali u osnivanje ustanova i institucija: Hrvatski povijesni institut, Hrvatska akademija za povijest Hrvata i Hrvatske u progonstvu, Hrvatski ured za prikupljanje znanstvenih istrazivanja o tisucgodisnjoj nazocnosti Hrvata u tim krajevima, Hrvatska akademija za znanstvenu povijest izvornog hrvatskog jezika u progonstvu, Hrvatska katedra za znanstveno proucavanje izvornog hrvatskog spisateljstva u progonstvu, Hrvatsko sveuciliste za znanstvenu arheologiju Hrvata i Hrvatske u progonstvu, Matica Hrvatske u progonstvu za odnose sa maticom Hrvatskom.

Albanka je nosila cetvorke. Albanci su u sumi osnovali kamp za vojne vezbe u cilju zastite od velikosrpske hegemonije. U pauzama su prikupljali materijal za Albansku enciklopediju o Albancima kroz vekove na pustim ostrvima.

Dva Amerikanca su isprva ozbiljno razmisljala o prednostima samoubistva, jer se Amerikanka neprekidno bavila svojim telom, izlagala pravu prirodu feminizma, sa osvrtom na tzv. ravnopravnost polova, prepricavala seanse kod svog psihoterapeuta, govorila o potrebi ispunjenja i ostvarenja, prisecala se svog poslednjeg decka koji je uvazavao njeno misljenje i koji se prema njoj ophodio lepse nego njih dvojica, o podeli kucnih poslova, posebno se osvrnula na odnos sa majkom koji je mnogo uznapredovao, dotakla je i poresku politiku, kao i vremenske prilike (englesko poreklo). Onda su momci osnovali obavestajnu sluzbu.

Dva Irca su otvorila podrum pica i pocela da piju viski od kokosa. Posto se od tada ne trezne, Englezima nije bilo tesko da ih ubede da su zapravo Irci podelili ostrvo na Severno i Juzno. Od muke i Irkinja je pocela da drinka.

Jedan Jevrejin i dve Jevrejke su sve ucinili da ispune Bozju zapovest: "Mnozite se i napunite zemlju." Prvi dan Jevrejin je osnovao berzu, drugi dan banku, treci dan supermarket, cetvrti dan putnicku agenciju, peti dan filmski studio, sesti dan Jevrejsku konferenciju za zastitu Jevreja u rasejanju, sedmi dan je odmarao sa dve Jevrejke i razmisljao kako ce jednog dana, po povratku u 'Obecanu zemlju', dati prilog za sinagogu.
 

The`bItCh

AdJuStAbLe mAdNeSs
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Dodje Ivica doma i kazhe starome da je dobio 4 jedinice.
Stari popizdio:
- Majmune jedan, iz chega si sve dobio jedinicu?
- Iz tjelesnoga, matematike, hrvatskoga i vjeronauka.
- Kako si dobio jedinicu iz tjelesnoga?
- Uchitelj nam je rekao da dignemo jednu nogu, ja sam je diga. Onda je rekao da dignemo i drugu nogu.
- Pa na kojem tjesh kurcu onda stajat?
- To sam i ja reka, pa sam dobija jedinicu.

- Dobro, kako si dobio jedinicu iz hrvatskoga?
- Uchiteljica je izvukla nas troje i pitala nas da kazhemo jednu rechenicu.
Jure je rekao:
- Ana voli Matu. Stipe je rekao - Ana voli Peru....
- U jeba te, pa ta Ana je kurvetina!
- Je, to sam i ja reka, pa mi je uchiteljica dala 1.

- Dobro, kako si dobio jedan iz matematike?
- Uchiteljica je pitala koliko je 2+3, a ja sam reka 5. Onda je pitala koliko je 3+2...
- A jeba te, to je isti *****..
- To sam i ja reka, pa sam dobija jedinicu.

- Dobro, ali nije mi jasno, kako si dobio jedan iz vjeronauka?
- Vjerouchitelj je prichao kako je bog svugdje oko nas, a ja sam ga pita je li i u podrumu od nashega susjeda, a on je reka da je bog i tamo...
- Je *****, nash susjed nema podruma..
- E, to sam i ja reka.....
 

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Seraphim
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Osama bin Ladin comes home and asks his wife:
-Anyone looking for me???

Southerner redneck jokes:

What is the definition of a virgin in the dep south?
-A girl that can outrun her kin!!

What do you do if you see a girl and a donkey?
-Ask the girl to hold the donkeys head so you can....love him!!

What do you call your moms brother in the deep south?
-Brother, uncle, father, or nephey?
-Nothing, you don't call him unless you ant to be fucked hard!!
 

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Seraphim
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Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!
 

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Seraphim
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Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good
that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.


As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any
happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children
will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and
despondent.. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
"Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better
that
someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on
my
door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and
it's
your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By
George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"
We
went to lunch We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out
to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's

such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do
we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment.


After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
I
think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She
went
into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens
of
our friends, all singing Happy Birthday


And I just sat there... on the couch... naked.
 

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Seraphim
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LIFE AND A CAN OF BEER


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front
of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of
pebbles
and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles
rolled
into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students
again if the jar was full
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar
was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your
friends,
your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and
only
they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is
everything else--the small stuff

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room
for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for
the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups Take your partner out to dinner. Play another
18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the
disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room
for a couple of pints."
 

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Seraphim
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George Bush's Theme Song

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
I don't know the names of men I grill,
Or implications of the seats I fill.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For corporate interests and the NRA
what a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about ecology.
Cutting trees has always worked for me.
And I don't know about the women's vote,
And I can't think of any bill I wrote.
But there's one thing that I know for sure,
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student,
but I don't have to be.
If you have deep pockets
and sell nuclear rockets,
You're a friend of my family.

Don't know much about air pollution.
Don't know much about the Constitution.
Don't care much for solar energy.
There's nothing in it for my friends and me.
And if we can't find any on our soil
We can go to war and get more oil
What a wonderful world this will be.

Don't know much about the driving rules.
Don't know much about the public schools.
Don't know why the inner cities fail,
Why can't folks get dad to pay for Yale?
And if the issues causing you to lose,
Are never covered in the evening news,
what a wonderful world this will be.

I never claimed to be an A student,
but I don't have to be.
If you have a brother
who's the Florida Governor,
the result's no mystery.

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
Don't know 'bout paying off a debt.
I never had to pay one off yet.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For special interests in the USA.

What a wonderful world this will be.
 

StormAngel

Stormology
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Shit happens

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Shit happens is a common slang phrase, used as a simple observation that life is full of imperfections.

It has inspired a series of satirical jokes religious and philosophical definitions, circulating on the Internet. The following is a collection assembled from different sources. The jokes are of course caricatures not meant to insult any particular creed and may reflect particular non-neutral points of view.

This joke was featured in the movie Forrest Gump, where a minor character steps on an unspecified object, implied to be dog excrement. When the main character Forrest observes, "It happens," it supposedly inspires the first character to spawn the "shit happens" slogan.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
Knock! Knock! "Shit Happens!"

Hare Krishna:
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.

Buddhism:
When shit happens, is it really shit?

Catholicism:
Shit happens but as long as you repent, it's OK.
Shit happens if you wear condoms.

Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Christian Fundamentalism:
There's no shit in the Bible.
If you say shit is happening, you'll burn at the stake. (Medieval version)

Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to me?

Conservative Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to US?

Islam:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islamic Fundamentalists:
If shit happens, it's a Zionist-Crusader plot!

Malcolm X's Islam:
We don't take this shit.

Protestantism:
If shit happens, you deserved it.

Calvinism:
Shit won't happen if you work harder.

Lutheranism:
Have faith that shit will happen.

Anglicanism:
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Televangelism:
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.

Confucianism:
Confucius say, "Shit happens".

Hinduism:
This shit happened before.

Presbyterianism:
This shit was bound to happen.

Seventh Day Adventists:
Shit happens on Saturdays.

Taoism:
Shit happens.

Zen:
What is the sound of shit happening?

Quakers:
Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.

Bahaism:
Shit happens universally.

New Age:
That's not shit, it's a crystal.
Visualize shit happening...

Wicca:
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

Christian Science:
This shit is unreal.

Atheism:
I don't believe this shit.

Agnosticism:
You can't prove any of this shit.

Mormonism:
If shit happens, shun it.

Baptist Church:
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the lord.

Unitarianism:
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.

Greek Orthodox Church:
Shit happens, usually in three's.

12-step program:
Shit happens one day at a time.

Amish:
This modern shit is worthless.

Shintoism:
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.

Unification Church of Rev. Moon:
Only happy shit really happens.

Stoicism:
This shit is good for me.

Zoroastrianism:
Shit happens half the time.

Rosicrucian:
What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:
Sneppah tihs.

Witchcraft:
Mix this shit together and it will happen.

Church of Scientology:
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
If shit happens, it's your fault.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit.

Nihilism:
No shit.




( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit_happens)
 

StormAngel

Stormology
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You have two cows

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
"You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a whole series of political joke definitions. For example,

Pacifism: You have two cows; they stampede you.
(A broad sample of these definitions are listed at the bottom of this article.)

"You have two cows" jokes originated as a parody of typical "Economics 101" examples featuring a farmer in a moneyless society, using his cattle and produce to trade with his neighbours. Those examples would run along the lines of "You have two cows; you want chickens; you set out to find another farmer who has chickens and wants a cow, etc."; they were meant to show the limitations of the barter system, leading to the eventual introduction of currency and money. The "two cows" parodies however, place the cow-owner in a full-fledged economic system where cows are used as a metaphor for all currency, capital, means of production, etc. The intent is often to point out flaws and absurdities in those systems.

As such, the first "two cows" jokes were meant to compare opposing economic systems such as capitalism and communism, typically by describing how the government and bureaucracy would interfere with one's quiet enjoyment of one's cows. The jokes have then evolved into satires of various political, cultural, social and philosophical systems and theories. Eventually, virtually anything has come to be usable as "cow joke fodder". Newsworthy events involving actual cows (BSE outbreaks) have also been used as material.

These definitions are examples of the first Internet jokes that circulated in the early days of the Internet. However, the initial variants of these jokes predated the Internet and were circulating in typewritten form even by the early 1980s. Being such a readily understood source of humor in many cultures, these "two cows" jokes became a part of the international development of the World Wide Web. The jokes are still circulated today, and they are translated and quoted on many websites, in dozens of versions, with newer "definitions" added every year. Tucows, the popular download site, is rumored to have gotten their name from these jokes (rather than from being The Ultimate Collection Of Windows Software, as is implied from their logo).

Because of their freedom and universality of topics, "two cows" jokes are sometimes considered a good example of "cross-cultural humor". As such, they may be concise examples (not necessarily scientific) of how different cultures can express different visions of the same political concept, by paradox, hyperbole, or sarcasm. (In practice however, most such jokes reflect the views of outsiders to the systems being satirized.) In the spirit of finding international common ground, some also see them as humorous manifestations of an underlying general scheme of political science that would compare legal or political concepts, such as the rights of ownership, across cultures around the world.

Cows themselves are a frequent subject matter of humor (see cow ASCII art, cow tipping, The Far Side). Some have conjectured that the word cow may be an inherently funny word.

The following list of these "two cows" jokes was assembled from over twenty different versions found on the web.

The definitions have, of course, no scientific value and may reflect certain points of view.


List of "you have two cows" definitions
Anarchism:
You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

Aristocracy:
You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Army -- United States:
You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

Artist -- Visual:
You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. (See Damien Hirst.)

Baathism:
You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You don't bother to check if they have BSE, lest you find out, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- British:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- European Union:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

Bureaucracy -- Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.

Canadaism:
You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism - Brazilian:
You have two cows. You milk them, and try to sell the milk to the Americans. You can't, and blame the protectionist policies of the US, Canada and Europe. The government then creates the Cow Tax. You have to sell one of your cows to pay for it.

Capitalism - Canadian:
You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.

Capitalism - Hong Kong:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Capitalism - Enron:
You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).

Capitalism -- New Economy:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed, to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 10c a few months later when the investors who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.

Capitalism -- United States:
You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate.

Capitalism -- Pessimist's view:

You mass produce genetically modified cows, establish a local monopoly, and sell low-quality, possibly adulterated milk at inflated prices, all the while doing horrendous damage to the environment. Your bank account grows fatter and fatter. When people complain, you hire a team of lawyers.

Cartesian dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.

Catholicism:
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.

Centralism:
You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Communism--Reality:
You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.

Communism -- African:
You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

Communism -- Cambodian:
You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

Communism -- Chinese Cultural Revolution:
You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs", and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve.

Communism -- Chinese #1:
You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonalds.

Communism -- Chinese #2:
You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

Communism -- Cuban #1:
Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1975.

Communism: -- Cuban #2:
You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

Communism -- Cuban #3:
You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.

Communism -- North Korean:
You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then offers the world not to nuke it if the international community provides aid.

Communism -- Soviet:
You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk ... once.

Communism -- Soviet #2:
You have two cows. Both cows are seized, and then another revolution occurs. Just when everyone else is getting settled down, another revolution occurs. Oh, and your cows are still missing.

Communism -- Stalinist:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

Competition:
You have two cows. You sell their milk for two dollars a bottle. Farmer Joe sells his for one fifty a bottle. The government outsources milk production and Moomoomilk. Inc. merges with Farmer Joe, selling milk for fifty cents a bottle. Eventually, you grow bankrupt and sell the cows, while Moomoomilk. Inc. has its board of directors convicted of fraud. The company disbands, and now nobody has milk.

Computers:
You have two cows. One becomes a computer programmer and earns lots of money, until he turns 21, when he is laid off and dies without producing any milk. His savings pay for his college debts. Your other cow wastes your lifeblood by playing Everquest and later dies off after playing 24 hours in a row.

Confucianism:
You have two cows. They have children. Honoring their children promotes you to a second degree governor. After you slaughter the original cows, you die, go to the Halls of the Dead, and are subjugated to the 99 and odd Tortures of Death.

Conservativism:
You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them..

Corporation, American:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Corporation, Brazilian:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Corporation, French:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Corporation, German:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Corporation, Indian:
You have two cows. You worship them.

Corporation, Italian:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

Corporation, Japanese:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. Then you produce the game cowkémon and become a billionaire.

Corporation, Mexican:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

Corporation, Russian:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really had.

Corporation, Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

Counterculture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Dada:
You have two cows. Elephant.

Deconstructionism
You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

Democracy #1:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Democracy #2:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Democracy -- British:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Democracy -- Canadian:
The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.

Democracy -- Floridian:
You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one is your favorite.

Democracy -- Republic:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Democracy -- Singaporean:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Democracy -- South African
You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.

Democracy -- Taiwanese
You have two cows. The government takes one away from you, paints a red star on it, and then cuts it to pieces with automatic rifle fire. Then, the soldiers salute "Long Live Chaing Kai-Shek!" before they leave.

Democracy -- United States #1:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

Democracy -- United States #2:
You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't starve)

Democracy -- United States #3:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Democracy -- United States #4:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.

Democracy -- Wikipedia:
Your name might be on the two cows, but you certainly don't have them. The cows belong to everyone, and their genetic code may be freely altered by anyone who comes along -- unless one of your cows is controversial, in which case it may be locked in a glass box by the government.

Despotism -- Modern:
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent," call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive," and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dyslexia:
You have two woks.

Environmentalism #1:
You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalise the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

Environmentalism #2:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Existentialism:
You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the cows". (See Jean Paul Sartre.)

Fascism #1:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Fascism #2:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FDAism:
You have two cows. You force one to drink 400 gallons of water a day. It stops producing milk and dies. You ban water. The second cow has cancer. There is a cancer treatment that has existed for 15 years and has been proven to work, but can no longer be produced because the synthesis requires water. It can't get the treatment it needs and dies. You put the company under investigation.

Frisbeetarianism:
You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.

Fundamentalism #1:
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

Fundamentalism #2:
You have two cows. The Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

Idealism:
You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

Industrialism:
You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Instant Messaging:
You have two cows. They don't say moo, they say "lol, g2g, brb, and roflmbo" Whenever you try to milk them, they either warn you, block you, or log out .

Labor Unionisim:
You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow People's Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realise that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.

Liberalism #1:
You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

Liberalism #2:
You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

Libertarianism #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Libertarianism #2:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Libertarianism #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

Marxism/Leninism:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

Militarism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.

Nazism:
(See Dictatorship.)

Nerdism
You have two cows. You sell one of them on eBay for several thousand dollars and buy a new computer with the profits. Then you write a new operating system and use the second cow for the logo. Unfortunetly, no one uses 'CowOs' because Windows is so popular.

New Dealism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

New Zealandism:
You have two sheep.

Nihilism:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

Optimism:
You will have three cows.

Pacifism:
You have two cows. They stampede you.

Perotism:
You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

Platonism:
You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

Plutocracism:
You have two cows. Your richer neighbours get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Protectionism:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

Protestantism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

Redistributionism:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

Republicanism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

Simpsonism:
You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

Socialism -- Bureaucratic:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Socratic Methodism:
How many cows do I have? Why?

Stock Market:
You have two cows. They produce lots of milk until a bear comes and attacks them. They are severely wounded, their children die off, and they refuse to produce milk. They then start to recover and produce milk when federal interest rates rise, still not outperforming inflation but enough to kill your cows off.

Surrealism:
You have two cows. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Survivorism:
You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

Theocracy -- Iranian style:
You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference and badly want to get rid of both.

Theocracy -- Taliban style:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Theocracy -- Saudi style:
You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.

Taoism
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

United Nationism:
You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. (see UN Security Council)

Zen:
A monk had two cows.
One day he went to Joshu. "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" he asked.
Joshu replied, "Moo."



( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows)
 

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Kako se vika na Angliski leblebija?

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What do you do when you see a nigger with only one leg?
- Stop laughing and reload!!
 
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hhahahahahahiaaihhaiahihahaha lol nice
 
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