Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

[Goddess of Chaos]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''

 

[Goddess of Chaos]

Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

 

[bibuska]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''

ЛЕЛЕ ЛУДИЛО

 

[humanoid]

At a hen party women are discussing their marital problems.
"When I touched Tom's balls last night they were frighteningly cold."
said
one girl.
"I noticed this too when I touched Dick's balls," said the other.
Harry's wife confirmed the same. So they all turned towards Mary: "What
about your John's balls? Are they cold too?"
"I will check it out tonight." said Mary.

Next Monday Mary turned up with her bruised eye.
"What happened, dear."
"Well, when I touched John's balls they were quite warm and I said -
How
come Tom, Dick and Harry's balls are so cold and yours are so nice and
warm?"

 

[Goddess of Chaos]

At a hen party women are discussing their marital problems.
"When I touched Tom's balls last night they were frighteningly cold."
said
one girl.
"I noticed this too when I touched Dick's balls," said the other.
Harry's wife confirmed the same. So they all turned towards Mary: "What
about your John's balls? Are they cold too?"
"I will check it out tonight." said Mary.

Next Monday Mary turned up with her bruised eye.
"What happened, dear."
"Well, when I touched John's balls they were quite warm and I said -
How
come Tom, Dick and Harry's balls are so cold and yours are so nice and
warm?"

jako e

 

[SeaGull]

A Greek and an Italian were debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian replied, "We have the Colosseum."
The Greek then said, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian replied, "We had the Roman Empire."

...and so on and so on ...until finally the Greek said: "We invented sex."



"Ahhhh" said the Italian, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."

 

[VirtualA]

A Greek and an Italian were debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian replied, "We have the Colosseum."
The Greek then said, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian replied, "We had the Roman Empire."

...and so on and so on ...until finally the Greek said: "We invented sex."



"Ahhhh" said the Italian, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."

:poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos:

 

[humanoid]

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman,who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

[baby]

Kaze covjek Bogu: "Cijeli zivot nisam grijesio, dopusti mi da malo uzivam prije smrti. Uvijek sam zelio vidjeti Havaje, ali strasno se bojim aviona, a na brodu mi nije dobro. Mozes li mi napraviti most do Havaja da tamo odem automobilom."
Bog mu rece: "To zaista nema smisla, gdje bi bili potporni stupovi, more je nemirno, voziti tamo bilo bi opasno. Stvarno, to sto zelis je jako tesko i tehnicki neizvodivo. Mogu li ti ispuniti neku drugu zelju?
"Dobro", kaze covjek. "zelio bih razumjeti zene, zasto govore jedno, a misle drugo. Zasto placu. Zasto nas ne razumiju. Zasto ne mogu biti otvorene i iskrene. Zasto ne vide neke stvari ili ih krivo tumaјe, to zelim. Razumjeti zene!"

Bog na to odgovori: "Hoces li most s dvije ili cetiri trake?"

 

[SeaGull]

> Ulazi lepa plavusa u prodavnicu zivotinja sa namerom da kupi neku egzoticnu zivotinju. Nakon malo razgledavanja,opazi kutiju sa zabama.

> Na kutiji je pisalo: "Zablji seks! Jedna zaba 50 eur! Ako ne budete zadovoljni, vracamo novac!

> Uputstva prilozena". Plavusa pogleda oko sebe da li je neko gleda i sapne prodavcu:

> - Uzimam jednu.

> Prodavac uzme jednog zapca, da joj listic i kaze:

> - Pazljivo procitajte uputstvo:

> 1. Istusirajte se.
> 2. Namirisite se najboljim parfemom.
> 3. Obucite seksi ves.
> 4. Legnite u krevet i postavite zapca na pravo mesto.

> Kad je dosla kuci, plavusa brzo uradi sve po uputstvu, legne u krevet i postavi zapca na pravo mesto, ali na njeno iznenadjenje nista se nije dogodilo. Pocela je da psuje od besa, misleci da su je prevarili.

> Jos jednom procita uputstvo i spazi sitnim slovima napisan tekst: "Ako imate bilo kakvih problema, nazovite prodavnicu sa zivotinjama".

> I plavusa odmah nazove. Muski glas sa druge strane telefona joj odgovori:

> - Dolazim odmah!

> Posle 5 minuta se zacuje zvono na vratima. Plavusa otvori vrata i objasni:

> - Uradila sam sve kako pise u uputstvu, ali prokleti zabac samo sedi i ne radi nista!

> Muskarac sav zabrinut podigne zapca, pogleda ga direktno u oci i ozbiljnim glasom mu kaze:

> - A sad me dobro poslusaj! Ovo je zadnji put da ti ja pokazujem!

 

[Macedalien]

Question : quel est l'animal qui chante lorsqu'il a les deux pieds dans la merde?

Réponse : le coq (symbole national de la France).

:poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos:

Превод на Алтависта :wink:

 

[другарче]

Question : quel est l'animal qui chante lorsqu'il a les deux pieds dans la merde?

Réponse : le coq (symbole national de la France).

:poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos:

Превод на Алтависта :wink:

Question: which is the animal which sings when it has the two feet in the shit?
Answer: the cock (national symbol of France).

не ми беше смешен се дури не си замислив како некој петел у гомна пее француски шансони... кога кукурикаше не ми беше смешен

 

[Divider]

A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration

 

[Divider]

161way to do a condom:

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

 

[Divider]

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.