Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
 
Date
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''
 
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."

You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
 
Sastav reprezentacija za SP u Nemackoj!

1. SR NEMACKA
Prdner, Fukling, Jebensdorf, Beinguzen, Fukenstein, Grosmuder,
Picajzler, Drkler, Lizvald, Kurcenweber, Seksundrajsinger

2. FRANCUSKA
Kurvon, Lizon, Seron, Gladipicon, Dupon, Golokurcon, Pizdolizjen,
Picojebon, Fukason, Golopizdon, Pederon

3. MADJARSKA
Drkacbaci, Pickas, Dudas, Nejebes, Mudaguzvas, Mindjumotas, Kurvamatos,
Picofukas, Piculizas, Tebiseres, Picos

4. ITALIJA
Usereti, Guzorantini, deKurconi, Serentini, Fukatoni, Picolizoni,
Prdoni, Drkatoni, Jebeci, Piconi, Kurcatone

5. JAPAN
Njufukasaki, Turimitikitu, Picakojama, Jakatimuda, Mudakosaka,
Dudasmimoga, Kurcayonara, Njubi, Njucu, Njusam, Njuti

6. SRBIJA I CRNA GORA
Kurcovic, Krivokurac, Pizdic, Klitorovski-Supkovski, Utegorovic,
Pizdolizic, Mudonja, Drkajlija, Seronja, Jebencic, Dupedavac

SUDIJE:
Jebote Janos (Madjarska)
Artur Mek Pimpek (Skotska)
Klitoris Papapizdopulos (Grcka)
Oton Kurconpopesku (Rumunija)
Pjotr Dugokurcovski (Rusija)
Adam Serikrec (Engleska)
Ku Rac (Kina)
Sulejman El Pizdan (Saudijska Arabija)
Sisa-kan (Mongolija)
Ramiz Upizdi (Albanija)
Janez Jodl-Pimpekic (Slovenija)
David Kurcman (Izrael)
 
Anonymus1 напиша:
Sastav reprezentacija za SP u Nemackoj!

1. SR NEMACKA
Prdner, Fukling, Jebensdorf, Beinguzen, Fukenstein, Grosmuder,
Picajzler, Drkler, Lizvald, Kurcenweber, Seksundrajsinger

2. FRANCUSKA
Kurvon, Lizon, Seron, Gladipicon, Dupon, Golokurcon, Pizdolizjen,
Picojebon, Fukason, Golopizdon, Pederon

3. MADJARSKA
Drkacbaci, Pickas, Dudas, Nejebes, Mudaguzvas, Mindjumotas, Kurvamatos,
Picofukas, Piculizas, Tebiseres, Picos

4. ITALIJA
Usereti, Guzorantini, deKurconi, Serentini, Fukatoni, Picolizoni,
Prdoni, Drkatoni, Jebeci, Piconi, Kurcatone

5. JAPAN
Njufukasaki, Turimitikitu, Picakojama, Jakatimuda, Mudakosaka,
Dudasmimoga, Kurcayonara, Njubi, Njucu, Njusam, Njuti

6. SRBIJA I CRNA GORA
Kurcovic, Krivokurac, Pizdic, Klitorovski-Supkovski, Utegorovic,
Pizdolizic, Mudonja, Drkajlija, Seronja, Jebencic, Dupedavac

SUDIJE:
Jebote Janos (Madjarska)
Artur Mek Pimpek (Skotska)
Klitoris Papapizdopulos (Grcka)
Oton Kurconpopesku (Rumunija)
Pjotr Dugokurcovski (Rusija)
Adam Serikrec (Engleska)
Ku Rac (Kina)
Sulejman El Pizdan (Saudijska Arabija)
Sisa-kan (Mongolija)
Ramiz Upizdi (Albanija)
Janez Jodl-Pimpekic (Slovenija)
David Kurcman (Izrael)
Кликни за повеќе...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."



omfg i luv that one..
 
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
 
Goddess of Chaos напиша:
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
Кликни за повеќе...

Ме пресмеа со ова :pos:
 
Ме пресмеа со ова :pos:[/quote]

Eve ti uste eden...
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
 
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"

The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"
 
A woman wearing a strapless gown and a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.

After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?"

Man:"No, I was admiring the landing field."
 
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