Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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Najnepravednija stvar u zivotu je nacin na koji zavrsava.


Ma, zivot je tezak.
I uzima ti puno vremena.
I sta dobivas na kraju?
Smrt...
Sto je to?
Nagrada?
Mislim da bi zivotni ciklus treba bit' obrnut.

Dakle:

Prvo bi trebali umrijeti, da to maknemo s puta.

Onda zivis u starackom domu.
Iz njega te izbace jer si premlad.

Tad dobijes zlatni sat i odes delati.

Radis 40 godina,
sve dok nisi dovoljno mlad da uzivas u svom umirovljenju.

Onda se pocnes drogirati, piti,
tulumi na sve strane i spreman si za srednju skolu.

Pa osnovna skola, postanes klinac, igras se, nemas nikakvih obveza.

Postanes mala beba,
odes u mamin bazen i tamo plutas zadnjih 9 mjeseci.

I zavrsis kao orgazam.
 
Three wise men sit on a sand dune, talking.
The first one - look, a shooting star, a comet!
The second - yup, what we've been waiting. What do we do know?
The third - let's find a dumb preagnant bitch, tell her lies, fuck the world, lie back and laugh our asses off.

Then came Maria strolling...the rest is history!


First there was a beautiful apple tree.
Then came Eve...the rest is history!
 
* A man marries a deaf girl.
He mimes: "let's make a code: if I want sex, I will
squeeze your breast.
In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times
for No"

* John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with
Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"

* The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

* A man is dying of cancer.
His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of
AIDS??".
Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to fuck your
mother."

* YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

* A lady tells her Man:
"I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says:
"Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"

* Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking,
faithful, rich
husband who
satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"

* Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally
realized
with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not w orth buying
the
whole pig.
 
Disleksičar odluči da opljačka banku! Dođe do banke i drekne:
• Vazduh u ruke, pljačka vam materina! Ovo je pička!
-----------------------------------------------------
Sedi Mujo na WC šolji, sere i napreže se:
• UUUUU, MMMMMM, UFFFFF!
Kad odjednom nestane struje i Mujo počne da se dere:
• AAAAA! Upomoć! AAAAAA!!
Fata se uplaši pa dođe u WC sa svećom i pita:
• Mujo, srećo, šta ti je, što se dereš?
Na to će Mujo:
• Uff dobro je, a ja mislio ispale mi oči.
-----------------------------------------------------
U jednom selu gajio jedan ciga svinje, kad jednog dana dođu ljudi u belom:
• Dobar dan!
• Dobar dan!
• Imate svinje?
• Imamo svinje!
• Jel' hranite svinje?
• Hranimo svinje!
• Pa čime?
• Pa deca skupe đubre, otpatke sa ulice, ono, ovo, svinje super, zadovoljne, i tako...
• 5000 kazna!
• Što?
• Pa mi smo iz odeljenja za zaštitu životnja, a vi im dajete đubre, kako vas nije sramota?
I on plati. Posle nekog vremena dolaze ljudi u crvenom.
• Dobar dan!
• Dobar dan!
• Imate svinje?
• Imamo svinje!
• Jel' hranite svinje?
• Hranimo svinje!
• Pa čime?
• Pa žena skuva sarmu, čokoladicu, ono, ovo, prvo jedu svinje pa onda mi, sve super, ok, svinje napreduju i tako to...
• 50.000 kazna!
• Što?
• Mi smo iz zaštite ljudi, oni nemaju šta da jedu, a vi im dajete čokoladice, kako vas nije sramota...
Plati on. Posle nekog vremena dolaze ljudi u crnom.
• Dobar dan!
• Dobar dan!
• Imate svinje?
• Imamo svinje!
• Jel' hranite svinje?
• Hranimo svinje!
• Pa čime?
• Pa ja im dam po 100 dinara pa one idu da kupe šta hoće...
------------------------------------------------------
Prijavio se Mujo na takmičenje u rvanju i izvuče u prvom kolu najgoreg protivnika tj. Turčina koji lomi kičme. I trener ga upozori da pazi kako se bori da ga ne bi Turčin zgrabio i slomio kičmu. I tako oni počnu borbu, da se hvataju i u jednom trenutku Turčin zgrabi Muju, prebaci ga preko leđa i počne da mu lomi kičmu. Krcka sve, a trener od muke pokrio lice rukama. I u jednom trenutku čuje urlik:
• Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooo!
Trener sklonio ruke s lica, kad ono Mujo stoji na Turčinu, razbio ga skroz! Trener:
• Šta bi, Mujo?
• Ma ništa, krenuo ovaj Turčin da mi lomi kičmu, ja već mislio gotovo je, i otvorim oči kad vidim - jaja. I zagrizem iz sve snage!
• I?
• Pa ništa, nemaš pojma koliku snagu čovek dobije kad zagrize svoja jaja!
-----------------------------------------------------
Čovek na smrti kaže doktoru:
• Napišite da sam umro od SIDE!
• Zašto?
• Tako mi niko neće jebati ženu, a oni koji su je već jebali umreće od straha!
-----------------------------------------------------
Zašto žene trljaju oči kad se ujutro probude?
Zato što nemaju jaja!
--------------------------------------------------
Žene su čudo! Stavljaju pirsing u uši, nos, bradavice, pupak, na klitoris. Neke se porađaju čak i carskim rezom, stavljaju silikone u sve delove tela, depiliraju dlake na nogama, ispod pazuha, stidne dlake skidaju vrelim voskom, tetoviraju se, rade lifting, liposukciju, smanjuju želudac, vade rebra... A kada ih muškarci lepo zamole za analni sex tvrde da ih boli. Pa ko je ovde lud?
-----------------------------------------------------
Zatraži učiteljica od sve dece da napišu po neku reč stranog porekla i da je objasne. Javi se mali Perica da pročita šta je napisao.
• Hajde Perice! - proguta učiteljica knedlu.
• PERVERZIJA - izvali Perica.
• Dobro - prekine ga učiteljica - hajde sad objasni taj pojam, ali da ne upotrebiš ni jednu bezobraznu reč, kao što inače umeš.
• Važi - kaže Perica. Zamislite dve žene kako idu ulicom i jedu sladoled. I sad jedna ga liže a druga ga grize. Koja je od njih udata?
• Pa... - učiteljica se zamisli, pa se zacrveni i na kraju kaže - Ona koja ga grize.
• Ne - kaže Perica - udata je ona koja nosi burmu, a to što ste vi pomislili, to je perverzija.
-----------------------------------------------------
 
Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!


Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.


My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
 
Going To The Toilet

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

:pos:
 
Putting It In

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair...almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean ’almost?’"

The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box."

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.

The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in."
 
Forbidden Fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.
 
Drinking Nun

This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said,
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song. The cashier called
out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
 
At a meeting with Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush turned to
the Queen and said:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to
be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire
then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again,
Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and

you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
 
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
 
Koje Boje su Tenkovi Albanske armije?

Oba su zeleni.
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Deda Mraz deli poklone na ulici i među okupljenim ljudima bio i Ciga. Pita Deda Mraz:
• Ko hoće auto?
Ciga kaže:
• Ja ću.
Pita dalje:
• Ko hoće zlato?
Ciga se opet javlja.
• Ko hoće računar?
Ciga:
• Ja ću.
Deda Mraz, već iznerviran, drekne:
• Ko hoće batina?
Ciga kaže:
• De ljudi uzmite nešto i vi, ne samo ja...[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Došao Hitler u koncentracioni logor i postroji sve logoraše u jednu vrstu. Stoje oni tako kad Hitler uzme pištolj i počne ubijati jednog po jednog. Ubije prvog, ubije drugog, pa trećeg kad dođe do jedne male devojčice. Ona mu reče:
• Čika Hitler, ja imam jednu malu željicu.
Hitler joj odgovori:
• 'Ajde reci, samo brzo!
Devojčica će:
• Ja bih htela malo duže živeti.
Hitler razmišlja, razmišlja i kaže joj:
• Dobro, 'ajde stani na kraj reda! [/FONT]

Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
 
*There is a malfunction in the plane and the pilot announces that they are too heavy and losing altitude.
*"We are too heavy...We'll have to drop some people to lose some weight. To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically."*
*"Are there any African Americans on board?"
*Silence.*
*"Are there any Black people on board?"*
*Silence.*
*"Are there any Coloured people on board?" *
*Silence.*
BTW 2 black people are hiding in the back and the son asks his dad:
*"But, daddy aren't we African American, Black and Coloured?" *
*"Shut up son, today we're NIGGERS."*
 
Како викаат Хрватите ,, Мажот ја фати жена му со швалерот"
ЈЕБНИК УХВАТИО ДОЈЕБНИКА У КРИВОЈЕБСТВУ
 
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