Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

[Pado.to]

Eve nekoi so Mujo i haso:

Vozi Mujo kamion kroz Sloveniju. Pici on tako kad odjednom ga zaustavi policajac. Kaze policajac:
- "Drug, migalec vam ne dela!"
Izade Mujo van i gleda okolo i cudi se. Policajac ga spopao:
- "Drug, pogledajte, migalec vam ne dela!"
Mujo gleda okolo sav u cudu. Opet ce policajac:
- "Migalec vam ne dela!"
Kad Mujo odjednom:
- "Ma jebo te migalec, gledam gdje mi je prikolica!!!"

Pita sudac Muju:
- "Kako ste mogli pregaziti 52 ljudi?"
- "Otkazale mi kocnice na nizbrdici!"
- "Pa zar niste mogli negdje skrenuti?"
- "Ma, jesam! Lijevo su bila 2 covjeka, a desno na autobusnoj stanici njih 50! Pomislih, bolje pregaziti ovu dvojicu nego onih 50! I kad sam pregazio prvoga, ovaj drugi, idiot jedan, potrcao medu onih 50!"

Ide Haso cestom i sretne Cecu. Kaze on njoj:
- "Ceco de majke ti, sad cu ja ovuda proci sa curom. Pa ako ti nije tesko samo me pozdravi da ispadnem faca."
- "Ok, nema problema", rece Ceca. I bas, nakon nekoliko ide Hase sa curom, kad ce njemu Ceca:
- "Cao Huso, sta mi radis?"
Huse onako, bez volje, na silu:
- "Daj Ceco goni se u kurac vise i ti!"

 

[SSS-Stolica]

si bile makedonec srbin bosanec i slovenec i se profesorov im vika:vo koj grad sakate da zivite?slovenecov vika vo paris a profesorov go prasuva zasto bas u parizu da zivite ovoj mu dogovara to ja grad na modu na lubav.go prasuva makedonecot a ovoj mu vika sakam da ziveam vo Rio de zinerio.zasto bas u Rio?ovoj mu vika tamu ima mnogu glolemi pesocni plazi.go prasuva srbinov kaj saka da zivee i ovoj mu odgovara.ja zelim da zivim u hrvatsku u zagreb posebmo.a profesorov mu vika zasto bas u zagrebu?i ovoj mu odgovara pa da vidim kakvi zivotine zivi tamu.go prasuva bosanecov gde ocete da zivite?a ovoj odgovara u Frankfurt.Profesorov go prasuva zasto bas u Frankfurt?I ovoj mu odgovara:pa ima 1 restoran jedes pijes sve besplatno a za seks dobijas 150$.profesorov mu vika od kogo ja dobivte ova informacija?a bosanecov odgovara od moju zenu.Po nekoe vreme profesorov gi prasuva-koj je taj sto izvuce od vas dzeb evo da recimo 150$.Srbinov-moja zena Slovenecov-moj decko ili lopov Bosanecov vika -To nije lopov be to je magionicar.a ovie go prasuvaat zasto bas magionicar a ovoj im odgovara -od kud mene 150$ a makedonecov mu vika -od zena ti od Frankfurt

 

[SSS-Stolica]

Sedat Srbin i hrvat i sirbin si peva mars na drinu i hrvatov mu vika:E Gedzo(Srbino) da te ptiam imate li vi neki drug mars osim taj Mars na Drinu i Srbinov mu vika:imamo Hrvatov:koj? Srbinov:Mars u pizdu materinu

 

[SSS-Stolica]

profesorkava mu vika na srbinot:mozete li da mi objasnite sta je seks???? Srbinov:ja sta je seks da objasnim.Seks je kad ja oram nivu a jebe me traktor

 

[SSS-Stolica]

profesorkava im objasnuva kakvi im se cickite na zenite vo godinite.
Profesorkako 20 godina im se socne goleme kao lubenice,oko 40 im se kao kruseke znate vise malo a oko 60 im se kao...i srbinot se izbacuva..... Srbinot:kao luk.Kad gi vidim odmah mi se place

 

[Anuskan]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Žali se plavuša crnki:
• Ovih dana me jako boli grlo.
Crnka:
• Ja nemam tih problema, uvek kada me boli grlo ja svog muža oralno zadovoljim i prođe me.
Sutradan plavuša:
• Savet ti je bio odličan, grlo me više ne boli, tvoj muž nije mogao da veruje da je to bila tvoja ideja.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Godina je 2050, Bosanci su odlučili da kreiraju sopstveni operativni sistem, prema nezvaničnim izvorima, zvaće se: "Pendžer 2050". Nakon što su kreirali taj sistem, dali su jednom pokusnom kuniću da ga testira koji mesec... Ali posle nekoliko dana kunić ga vraća! Kada su ga pitali
zašto,on im reče:
• Kada ubacujem USB-Stick sa zadnje strane on mi izbaci poruku: "Ne zabijaj mi ga odpozadi!"
• Kada ubacim orginalni CD, on kaže: "A, šta, nestalo je pirata?"
• Kad hoću da očistim unutrašnjost kućišta, on kaže: "Ne skidaj me, stidljiv sam!"
• Kada surfujem netom i gledam pornografiju, on kaže: "Šta misliš kad bi ovo tvoja stara videla?!"
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[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Razgovaraju dva programera:
• Juče sam u noćnom klubu upoznao prekrasnu plavušu.
• Uh!
• Predložio sam joj da odemo do mene na kafu i ona je pristala.
• Uuh!
• Čim smo ušli u stan zavapila je: "Skini me!"
• Uuuuh!
• Skin'o sam sve s nje, na kraju i gaćice i stavio je onako potpuno golu na radni sto do PC!
• A, imaš PC kod kuće? A koji procesor imaš?
------------------------------------
Razgovaraju dve plavuše:
• Juče sam u noćnom klubu upoznala pravog programera.
• Uh!
• Predložio mi je da odemo do njega na kafu i ja sam pristala.
• Uuh!
• Čim smo ušli u stan krenuo je da me skida!
• Uuuuh!
• Skin'o je sve s mene, a na kraju i gaćice i stavio me onako potpuno golu na radni sto do PC!
• Ti nosiš gaćice?! [/FONT]

 

[Ivon4e in love]

Snaodliv Mujo

Отишол Мујо во Америка и зел стан под кирија незнаејќи дека во него има глувци. Почнал да размислува да му се јави на газдата и да се жали, ама проблемот е во тоа што не знае англиски. На крајот му се јавил и му вика:
- Hello!
- Hello, одговара газдата.
- Том и Џери! Do you know?
- Yes I know... (збунето одговара газдата)
- Епа Џери!

 

[Avoid The Void]

Daughter: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Daughter: Your name on this report card.

-----------

Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Boy: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet.

-----------

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

 

[диме]

Ај неколку програмерски :

- roses are #FF0000 violets are #0000FF all my base are belong to you
- May the source be with you...
>/ unzip, strip, touch, finger, mount, fsck, more, yes, umount, sleep, exit 0

 

[Калипсо]

The Bathtub Test​

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.​

​

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub.'​

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'​

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'​

​

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? lolol
:pos2::pos2::pos2::pos2::pos2::pos2::pos2::pos2:
​

 

[Saladin]

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Малку старо ама јако ептен.

 

[Complete]

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

Малку старо ама јако ептен.

Hu

 

[MoonWhisper]

Some priests came in Jerusalim and all of them trying to convert more Jews:

Jehovas whitnes: Belive in Jeasus, coz he is our only God, he is the savior.
1000 Jews joined tham.

Orthodox: We dont want your money, we just want you to belive in God come in our churches and pray, let our churches be the best of tham all and donate your money for God to rise.
10000 Jews joined tham.

American Catolic: Gold is in the Heaven.
All of the Jews joined the Airforce..:pos2:

 

[Фил Ајви]

Knock, knock!
How's there?
Me, I'll kill you!

 

[@cool@]

U šumi mrkli mrak... ništa se ne vidi... i nalete jedan na drugoga zeko i tvor.
Tvor sav prestrašen pita: Ko si ti... opiši se!
Zeko: Krznat sam, jedem kupus i mrkvu.
Na to će tvor: Ma daj zeko, živog me isprepada!
Zeko: A ti ko si ti... opiši se!
Tvor: Paaa, ja sam crn, kradem kokoši i smrdim!
Zeko: Ma, idi cigo u p.i.č.k.u materinu, al' si me prepo!