Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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- Какво означава "смесени чувства"?
- Когато т'шта ви пада от балкона в'рху новата ви кола.
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*Šta je istetovirano Severini ispod pupka?
Objekt pod video nadzorom.

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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]P: U cemu je slicnost izmedju Crnogorca i magle?
O: Oboje se dižu negde oko podne.
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*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Dosao Hrvat u Sarajevo za vrijeme rata i udje u jedan kafic i kaze konobaru: - Jednu KAVU ! - Nema. Hrvat se malo zamisli pa rece; - Jednu KAFU ! - NEMA. Hrvat se opet zamisli pa uz osmijeh rece: - Molim vas jednu KAHVU ! - Ma sto si ba dosadan! Vidis da nema ba vode! [/FONT]

*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Sta radis kad drkas kurac? - Od ruke picku, a od kurca budalu!
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What happens when Medusa enters a place filled with junkies?

-They all get stoned. тм


Еве една шега која ми има текнато од пред некое време ама сум заборавил да ја спомнам. Ми текна додека гледав некои заебанции за Хорацио Кејн од ЦСИ Мајами.



Иде Хорацио на местото на злосторството и колегите му викаат:

Cop: Horatio the victim's skull was shattered and the brain is all over the place, what would you say about that?
Horatio: It looks like the victim...... Was.......(ги става наочарите) .....an OPEN-MINDED person.
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH тм
 
Един ден Иванчо отиш'л при Маријка и казал:
-Маријке, ште ми дадеш ли твоја снимка?
-Зашто Иванчо, да не би да ме харесваш? -попитала Маријка.
А тој отговорил:
-Не с'бирам си покемони!
 
Teacher: I hope you don't copy on the test.
Student: I hope that you won't see me. :pos2:
 
Двама наркомани лежат надрусани в полето и над тјах прелитат военни хеликоптери.... единија вика:
-ја виж, хеликоптери!
а другија:
-Хеликоптерите, това са душите на загиналите танкове.
 
Pet tajni za uspjesnu vezu:

1. Vazno je naci covjeka koji ti pomaze u kuci, kuha povremeno, posprema, a ima i posao.

2. Vazno je naci covjeka koji te zna nasmijati.

3. Vazno je naci covjeka koji ne laze i na kojeg se mozes osloniti.

4. Vazno je naci covjeka koji je dobar u krevetu i zeli seks s tobom.

5. Vazno je da se ta cetiri covjeka ne poznaju.
 
Срештат се двама познати и си приказват за това-онова.
Единијат казва:
- Аз, като видја нешто смешно и започвам да се смеја до припад'к, не мога да спра изобшто...
Вторијат пита:
- Слушај, бе, а как тогава се бр'снеш?
 
Срештат се двама познати и си приказват за това-онова.
Единијат казва:
- Аз, като видја нешто смешно и започвам да се смеја до припад'к, не мога да спра изобшто...
Вторијат пита:
- Слушај, бе, а как тогава се бр'снеш?

:pos2::pos2:


Usla dva djecaka u trgovinu da kupe tampone. Prodavacica se smjeska i kaze:
- "Ah, to je sigurno za vasu mamu."
Oni kazu:
- "A ne, ne, nije za mamu."
Prodavacica:
- "A onda je sigurno za vasu stariju sestru."
Oni:
- "A ne, ne, nije ni za sestru."
Prodavacica:
- "Pa za koga je onda?"
Stariji djecak pokaze na mladeg i rece:
- "To je za mog malog brata. Na televiziji su rekli da s njima sve mozes; plivati, voziti bicikl. On jos ne moze ni jedno ni drugo."


The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.


Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove
home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been making love all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bast**d! You've been
playing golf!".




The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"




The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my Goodness!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"




The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."




The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10 pence."

"Ten pence?", exclaimed the man.

The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies
the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"40 pence," the bartender replied.

"Forty pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies "He's upstairs with my wife!"

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."




The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her ace. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,"everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
 
Šta bi se dogodilo sa poznatim istorijskim i mitskim ličnostima da žive u naše doba ?

• Aladin bi pokušao da protrlja sijalicu i ubila bi ga struja.
• Milošu Obliću bi se sudilo u Hagu zbog kršenja običaja i pravila rata i za međunardni terorizam.
• Sveti Georgije bi se našao na meti društva za zaštitu životinja i verovatno bi bio dekanonizovan.
• Homeru i Filipu Višnjiću bi se sudilo zbog klevete i širenja lažnih vesti.
• Mojsije bi bio optužen za izazivanje opšte opasnosti i remećenja prirodne okoline zbog epizode sa razdvajanjem mora.
• Cezar bi bio lustriran zbog neodgovorne politike na Rubikonu i osušen zbog nezakonite kocke.
• Šeherezada bi imala svoj „talk show“ na TV Pink.
• Odisej bi se, vrativši se kući na Itaku, suočio sa brakorazvodnom parnicom s Penelopom i ozbiljnom alimentacijom kao odštetom za neispunjavanje bračnih dužnosti i prevaru.
• Juda bi radio za Državnu bezbednost.
• Kraljević Marko bi dobio trajnu zabranu na dozvolu za jahanje zbog pijanstva, kao i tužbu zbog navođenja životinja na alkoholizam i uništavanje putne infrastrukture.
• Sizif bi radio u nekom kamenolomu.
• Edip bi pronašao dobrog psihoanalitičara i izbegao krvavi incest.
• Orfej bi se drogirao i izdavao albume za „Grand produkciju“.
• Arhimed bi imao đakuzi i bolelo bi ga **** za nauku.
• Sveti Ilija Gromovnik bi radio za Elektrodistribuciju.
• Tesla bi i dalje bio ispred svog vremena.
• Niče bi tvrdio da je Bog živ, da bi opet bio u suprotnosti sa javnim mnjenjem.
• P.P. Njegoš bi bio proteran iz Crne gore zbog antinacionalne propagande.
• Ostrogoti i Vizigoti bi se doveka parničili oko aurorskog prava na ime „Goti“. Verovatno bi pobedila strana sa sposobnijim advokatom.

Sretnu se dvije bakterije u crijevima. Pita prva drugu:
- Bok, stara ideš vani večeras?
- Pa... mogla bih. Kad nam ide prvo govno?
 
Един младеж си заклјучва колелото до входа на Парламента и там'н се отдалечава - пресрешта го полицај:
- Абе младеж, ти не знаеш ли, че от тука минават депутати?
- Ааа, не се безпокојте - здраво с'м го заклјучил.
 
Си биле 2 деца, едното било сакато а другото се викало Томе :).
 
Белоградчанки, не ни изневерјавајте с г'рци.Ваши араби
 
П'тен полицај спрјал шофьор за това, че не спазил п'тен знак.
- Знаете ли зашто ви спрјах? - попитал тој.
- Аз намалих скоростта, нали? - отв'рнал шофьор'т.
- Но на знак „стоп" трјабва да спрете.
- Да спра, да намалја скоростта, има ли разлика?
Полицајат толкова се јадосал, че извадил палката си и започнал
да удрја шофьора по главата, викајки:
- Е, да спра ли искате или да намалја скоростта?!
 

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