Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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Pita muž ženu:
- Draga, zašto mi nikad ne kažeš kad doživiš orgazam?
A ona će na to:
- Zato što ti nikad nisu tu kad se to desi, dragi...


Koje je najvažnije pitanje za siguran seks?
- Kad ti se vraća muž?


Razgovaraju dve devojke u ginekološkoj čekaonici.
- Ja više volim starije doktore - reče prva.
- Zašto - upita druga.
- Tresu im se ruke!

:pos: лееелл последниов...уште се смеам :pos:
 
sjede Amer i Rus u birtiji za sankom....

Amer kaze konobaru: "daj mi jedan whiskey!". dobije whiskey, pogleda u Rusa, nasmije se i popije na ex.

rus ga samo blijedo pogleda, i kaze konobaru: "daj mi duplu votku". dobije votku, pogleda u amera, i mazne ju na ex.

amer pocinje lagano pizdit i kaze konobaru " daj mi litru whiskeya!". dobije litru, pogleda u Rusa i popije na ex.

rus se samo lagano nasmije, naruci dvije litre Vodke i popije obje boce na ex...

na to amer totalno popizdi, ustane se, otkopca slic, izvadi kurac, pokaze ga rusu i kaze "Bill!"

odmah se i rus ustane, isto otkopca slic, izvadi dva kurca i kaze "Černobil!"

--- надополнето ---

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Ulazi seljak u prepun gradski autobus kad ga jedna gospođa nagazi ga štiklom i počne se ispričavati:
– Oprostite, molim vas, nije bilo namjerno!
– Ma nemojte se brinuti gospođo, mi seljaci navikli smo da nas stoka gazi!

:pos::pos::pos::pos:
 
Šetaju dve plavuše gradom i ćaskaju:
• Vidiš ona 2 muškarca, onaj sa leve strane je moj muž, a onaj sa desne je moj švaler.
• Hm, baš čudno, kod mene je obrnuto.
 
Oženio se Mujo, i prva bračna noć. Kad ima sta vidjeti, Fata već bila u prometu. Konta šta će sad, treba ujutro okačiti čaršaf, puče bruka u selu. Smiri se malo Mujo, odradi svoje, i ujutro rano ustade da traži malo crvene boje. Međutim nađe samo žute. Zamaže on čaršaf i okači ga. Sutradan ga pitaju, šta je ono? On im s ponosom odgovara :" Kad Mujo probija onda i žuč puca".
 
sex test for retired people.


The object is to see how fast can you guess the words.
Hey, who said retired people don't think about sex!!!

How fast can you guess these words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _


Answers Below, Don't cheat















Answers:

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!
 
Sastala se dva starca, pa jedan pita drugog:
- Je li, boga ti, kako te služi ona stvar?
- Odlično, ko omladinac!
- Kako ko omladinac?
- Pa lepo, ja mu nađem posao, a on neće da radi.
 
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'? The worker yelled back,
"Cos his missus is here with his lunch"
 
Poslao je Pero Vidu po cigarete u prodavnicu. Samo sto je Vida izasla, zaustavi se neki auto ispred nje, izađose trojica momaka, ugrabise Vidu, odvedose je na Trebevic i silovase je.
Dosla Vida kuci sva poderana, u modricama, a Pero na vratima:
"Ama, Vido, gdje si do sad? Sta ti se to desilo bona?!"
"Ma, suti, moj Pero. Samo sto ja izadjoh iz kuce kad me naka trojica spengase, odvedose na Trebevic i silovase me tri dana i tri noci!"
"Ama, Vido bona ne bila, tek si jucer iz kuce izasla?"
"Znam Pero, dosla sam samo da ti se javim, da se ne brines..."
 


A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow the tea until
he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,
and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
1 day ago 3 guys are in a cafe one says: ive got the smallest arm of the world! another says: ive got the smallest head of the world! last one says: ive got the smallest dick of the world! the 3 guys go to Guinness World Records. first one goes first and returns happy: ive really got the smallest arm in the world! second returnshappy too: ive really got the smallest head of the world! last one returns angry and screams: WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!
 
What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
 
Мaж си купил ново БМВ и го подкарал с висока скорост. След малко обаче забелeжал преследваштата го полициска кола с вклјучена червена лампа. Шофьор'т си казал "Аз с'м с БМВ, нјама начин да ме стигне" и ускорил оште повече. След нјаколко минути преследване обаче решил, че така си влошава положението, отбил встрани и спрјал. Полицајат приближил и казал:
- Добрее. Днес имах теж'к ден, краја на смјаната ми е, освен това е пет'к, 13-ти. Не ми се пишат разни актове и фишове, така че ако ми дадеш за превишената ти скорост добро објаснение, каквото не с'м чувал досега, те пускам да си ходиш.
Шофьор'т помислил и казал:
- Предната седмица жена ми избјага с един полицај. Уплаших се да не би да ме гони, за да ми ја в'рне.
Полицајат казал:
- Пријатна с'бота и неделја!
 
A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.”

The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”

The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!”
 
Žali se Mujo Hasi:
– Zamisli kakva je ona moja drolja!
– A zašto, upita Haso.
– Zamisli, vraćam se s puta i šaljem joj telegram da ću doći, a ipak je uhvatim s ljubavnikom!
Poslije kraće šutnje, opet će Mujo zamišljeno:
– A možda i nije drolja, možda nije dobila telegram...
 
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.

The farmer told him there was no vacant room.

"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.

The next morning he asked for his bill.

"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.

"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.

"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
 
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