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- Креатор на темата Misirkov
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TpH_Bo_OkO
Трноризец
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- 18 мај 2005
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What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.
How can you recognise a French veteran?
Sunburned armpits.
Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
Because it was raining.
Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?
Because she has only one arm raised.
Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?
They vote with both hands.
Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?
It doesn't exist.
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
What does 'Maginot' mean in German?
Welcome!
Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army?
Because it's made up of foreigners.
What does the new French flag look like?
A white cross emblazoned on a white background.
What's the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.
What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least ten languages.
What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without outside help.
Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
To see all their other ships.
What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
'Table for 100,000, monsieur?'
Why are the French afraid of war?
You would be, too, if you had never won one.
How do you stop a French army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.
What's the best thing about being French?
You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you.
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
General George S. Patton.
How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?
'Never fired, only dropped once.'
The army.
How can you recognise a French veteran?
Sunburned armpits.
Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
Because it was raining.
Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?
Because she has only one arm raised.
Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?
They vote with both hands.
Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?
It doesn't exist.
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
What does 'Maginot' mean in German?
Welcome!
Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army?
Because it's made up of foreigners.
What does the new French flag look like?
A white cross emblazoned on a white background.
What's the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes.
What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least ten languages.
What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without outside help.
Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
To see all their other ships.
What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
'Table for 100,000, monsieur?'
Why are the French afraid of war?
You would be, too, if you had never won one.
How do you stop a French army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?
Five sailors died digging his grave.
What's the best thing about being French?
You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you.
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
General George S. Patton.
How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?
'Never fired, only dropped once.'
- Член од
- 17 март 2005
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ју хуууууууууу :pos2:
- Член од
- 17 март 2005
- Мислења
- 11.493
- Поени од реакции
- 1.585
Американскиот рокер Тед Нуџент бил интервјуиран од Француски новинар.
Нуџент е пасиониран ловец (со лук и стрела), а новинарот е борец за прва на животните. Интервјуто почнало со прашање за лов на елени:
"What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Нуџент одговарил:
"Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
Новинарот го прекинал интервјуто. :pos2:
Нуџент е пасиониран ловец (со лук и стрела), а новинарот е борец за прва на животните. Интервјуто почнало со прашање за лов на елени:
"What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Нуџент одговарил:
"Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
Новинарот го прекинал интервјуто. :pos2:
Human
Explorer
- Член од
- 10 октомври 2009
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- 12.249
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- 4.852
The Complete Military History of France:
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html
:pos2::pos2::pos2:
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html
:pos2::pos2::pos2: