Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

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Zali se crnogorska prijateljici da joj muz nikako nije zainteresovan za seks. Posavjetova je ova da mu stavi malo pornografije pod krevert da to cita kad legne pa ce pozeljet i da nece bit problema. Spremi ona to, legose, kad pita Crnogorac:
- "Zeno, ima li sto da se procita?"
- "Ima, veli, tu ti je pod krevetom."
- "Uze on ono, malo gleda, pa zavuce ruku pod jorgan malo je dovati, pa opet malo gleda, pa ruku pod jorgan, i tako nekolika puta. Na kraju baci on one novine, ugasi svjetlo i okrete se da spava."
Pita ova:
- "Dobro, covjeku moj, ako vec nista nijesi stio, sto si me onda ovako zagrijo?"
- "Muci jadna, ne budali. To sam ja samo kvasio prst da okrenem list."
 
Govorila mama sinu debilu:
"Evo sine, malo cokolade. Ali prvo operi ruke."
"Ali mama, ja nemam ruke!"
"Nema ruku, nema cokolade.."
 
> Dear Husband:
>
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
> good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing

> to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
> to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last
> straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my

> hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand
> new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight
> to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me
> anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you

> don't love me anymore, Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
>
> P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

> away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
>
> Your EX-Wife
>
>


Response
>
> Dear Ex-Wife
>
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
> that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
> woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to
> try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I
> did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
> thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
> raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you

> cooked m favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
> BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
> sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
> was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
> had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee

> was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
> could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
> ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
> Barbados. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
> reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My

> lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from

> me. So take care.
>
> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
> born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
>
 
Партизанен

Nacht. Regen gehen. Zwei Partizanen gehen skroz suma. Nicht gehen sondern
plazen se pazljivo und lomen keine Grancica auf den podn.
Schwaben sljeden Partizanen. Schwaben haben Pesen und gute
Schnellschiesgewehr. Pesen snofen auf den Podn und sljeden Partizanen.
Partizanen kommen do Kukuruzen. Kukuruzen gut fur schlafen und
Partizanen umorni ko Majka.
Partizanen malo horen okoli was desaven und dann in Kukuruzen zaschlafen.

Das nicht gut fur Partizanen aber gut fur Schwaben.
Kuku lele Partizanen! Schwaben kommen do Kukuruzen.
Pesen divje snofen und Schwaben gut wissen wo Partizanen in
Kukuruzen schlafen. Partizanen i dalje schlafen ko Majka und ni
slucajno ne h*ren Schwaben plazen prema njima. Odjedamput eine
Kukuruzen poken unten Schwaben und Partizanen se odmah wecken.
Sie zgraben Schisgewehr aber Schwaben Schnellschisgewehr viel besser.
Schwaben ofen feuer direkt po Partizanen und
Partizanen auch beginnen verderben neprijateljsku lebener silu i
tehnicka materialna sredstva. Aber Schwaben pobjeden.
Partizanen oblezalen in Kukuruzen. Partizanen nicht gut. Partizanen kaput.

Srednja gostinska skola
Hasan Bojcatevic 4.a
 
spooky напиша:
Партизанен

Nacht. Regen gehen. Zwei Partizanen gehen skroz suma. Nicht gehen sondern
plazen se pazljivo und lomen keine Grancica auf den podn.
Schwaben sljeden Partizanen. Schwaben haben Pesen und gute
Schnellschiesgewehr. Pesen snofen auf den Podn und sljeden Partizanen.
Partizanen kommen do Kukuruzen. Kukuruzen gut fur schlafen und
Partizanen umorni ko Majka.
Partizanen malo horen okoli was desaven und dann in Kukuruzen zaschlafen.

Das nicht gut fur Partizanen aber gut fur Schwaben.
Kuku lele Partizanen! Schwaben kommen do Kukuruzen.
Pesen divje snofen und Schwaben gut wissen wo Partizanen in
Kukuruzen schlafen. Partizanen i dalje schlafen ko Majka und ni
slucajno ne h*ren Schwaben plazen prema njima. Odjedamput eine
Kukuruzen poken unten Schwaben und Partizanen se odmah wecken.
Sie zgraben Schisgewehr aber Schwaben Schnellschisgewehr viel besser.
Schwaben ofen feuer direkt po Partizanen und
Partizanen auch beginnen verderben neprijateljsku lebener silu i
tehnicka materialna sredstva. Aber Schwaben pobjeden.
Partizanen oblezalen in Kukuruzen. Partizanen nicht gut. Partizanen kaput.

Srednja gostinska skola
Hasan Bojcatevic 4.a
Кликни за повеќе...
Леле капнав од смеење :ojea: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos: :poos:
 
CIA je trazila nekoga da ga zaposli kao ubojicu.

Nakon svih provjera dosjea, intervjua i testiranja ostala su 3 finalista

- dva muskarca i zena.



Za konacni test, agent CIA-e doveo prvog finalista dovelikih metalnih

vrata i dao mu pistolj. "Moramo biti sigurni da ces slusati nase upute

bez obzira na okolnosti. U ovoj sobi naci ces svoju zenu kako sjedi na

stolici. Moras je ubiti!!!"

Covjek je odgovorio: "Ma sigurno se salite. Ne mogu ubiti svoju zenu."

Agent mu na to kaze: "Onda nisi pravi covjek za ovaj posao."



Drugi muskarac dobio je iste upute. Uzeo je pistolj i usao u sobu. Nista

se nije culo nekih pet minuta.

Tada izade covjek sa suzama u ocima:

"Pokusao sam, ali ne mogu ubiti svoju zenu".

"Onda nemas ono sto se trazi\", kaze mu agent. "Uzmi zenu i idi kuci."



Napokon dode red na zenu. Dobila je iste upute da ubije svog muza. Uzela

je pistolj i usla u sobu.

Zaculi su se pucnjevi, jedan za drugim, zatim vristanje, razbijanje,

lupanje po zidovima.

Nakon par minuta sve utihne. Polako se otvore vrata i izade zena.

Brisuci znoj sa cela kaze: "Pistolj je bio napunjen corcima pa sam ga

morala zatuci stolicom."
 
Ulovili Bosanci medveda.
Vidi to Kanadjanin iz SFORA, pa pita:-
-"Grizli?"
Bosanci:
-"Sta grizli? Davili bolan, vise od po sata!"
 
spooky напиша:
Партизанен

Nacht. Regen gehen. Zwei Partizanen gehen skroz suma. Nicht gehen sondern
plazen se pazljivo und lomen keine Grancica auf den podn.
Schwaben sljeden Partizanen. Schwaben haben Pesen und gute
Schnellschiesgewehr. Pesen snofen auf den Podn und sljeden Partizanen.
Partizanen kommen do Kukuruzen. Kukuruzen gut fur schlafen und
Partizanen umorni ko Majka.
Partizanen malo horen okoli was desaven und dann in Kukuruzen zaschlafen.

Das nicht gut fur Partizanen aber gut fur Schwaben.
Kuku lele Partizanen! Schwaben kommen do Kukuruzen.
Pesen divje snofen und Schwaben gut wissen wo Partizanen in
Kukuruzen schlafen. Partizanen i dalje schlafen ko Majka und ni
slucajno ne h*ren Schwaben plazen prema njima. Odjedamput eine
Kukuruzen poken unten Schwaben und Partizanen se odmah wecken.
Sie zgraben Schisgewehr aber Schwaben Schnellschisgewehr viel besser.
Schwaben ofen feuer direkt po Partizanen und
Partizanen auch beginnen verderben neprijateljsku lebener silu i
tehnicka materialna sredstva. Aber Schwaben pobjeden.
Partizanen oblezalen in Kukuruzen. Partizanen nicht gut. Partizanen kaput.

Srednja gostinska skola
Hasan Bojcatevic 4.a
Кликни за повеќе...

Zwei Partizanen vuci popapen. :D
 
Ukrca se casna sestra u voz, sjedne u kupe i voz krene.

cuku - cuku, truc,Truc

.. vozi se ona kad preko puta ugleda poznato lice.

zena sredjena,bunda, nakit, kozne cizme, ludi komplet,

frizura, nokti ...

Gledaju se one u cudu, gledaju

"cuj, si to ti?"

"Bok, si to ti? Kako si? Dugo se nismo vidjele!"

Ispricaju se one gdje je koja bila sve ove godine, sto se dogodilo i

tako dalje.

Voze se one dalje, cuku - cuku, truc, truc..

Ne da casnoj vrag mira pa je pita: "cuj nemoj se ljutiti, ali ova

bunda,kako ??? "

Kaze zena: "Ma, neugodno mi je, ali jedna krasna noc i evo ... "

Voze se one dalje, cuku - cuku, truc, truc...

Opet casna: Ma, oprosti, ali ove cizme, otkud ???

"Ma, bas mi je neugodno, ali jedan prekrasan

vikend, i evo..

Casna : "cuj, ovaj komplet, ta ogrlica, kozna torba ???"

"Ma, cuj, jedno prekrasno zimovanje, i evo..."


Rastanu se one na stanici, odu svaka svojim putem.

Casna dodje u samostan, vec je bilo kasno, skine se, pomoli i legne.

Kad usred noci cuje neko tiho kuca : kuc, kuc !!!

Casna: "Ko je ?"

"Ja sam, fra Jozo!" tiho ce fratar.



CASNA: "JEBI SE I TI I TVOJE KARAMELE!!!"
 
FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
 
Dobro, lose, zlo...

Dobro: Vasa zena je trudna.
Lose: Rodice trojke.
Zlo: Sterilisani ste pre 5 godina.

Dobro: Zena ne govori sa vama.
Lose: Zeli razvod.
Zlo: Ona je pravnik.

Dobro: Vas sin konacno odrasta.
Lose: Spetljao se sa kurvom iz komsijske zgrade.
Zlo: Bas kao i vi.

Dobro: Vas sin puno uci u svojoj sobi.
Lose: U sobi ste nasli nekoliko sakrivenih pornica.
Zlo: Akteri u nekima od njih ste vi i vasa zena.

Dobro: Objasnjavate kcerki ono o pcelama i biljkama.
Lose: Stalno vas prekida.
Zlo: I ispravlja.

Dobro: Svako jutro krisom citate www.vicevi.co.yu
Lose: Sef vas je uhvatio u tome.
Zlo: I to bas za vreme citanja ovog vica.

Dobro: Vas sin je izgradio stabilnu vezu.
Lose: To je veza sa muskarcem.
Zlo: I to vasim najboljim prijateljem.

Dobro: Vasa kcerka je nasla dobro placen posao.
Lose: Radi kao kurva.
Zlo: Zaradjuje mnogo vise od vas.
 
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