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Seraphim
Tucker goes to farm, hilarity ensues: The April Fools Story
First read the story, then the explanation
Spring break shortly after my 23rd birthday, my parents and grandparents decided to visit an ailing aunt several miles away. My grandmother owned a farm in Kentucky, and they left me in charge of it.
I was in law school at the time and did not want to be bothered with taking care of a fucking farm, but I was stuck with it, because my grandmother threatened to tell the police about the time I stabbed that hooker to death and left her body in the ravine at the farm. I decided to recruit a friend to come with me. Considering that this farm was in Kentucky, the only person who's life was sad enough to want to spend a week with me there was SlingBlade.
My job on the farm was to keep the animals fed, watered, milked, etc, but that sucked. Pretty much immediately, SlingBlade's ADD kicked in and he started fucking with the animals. He became obsessed with kicking chickens. He would run around like Ronaldo chasing a loose ball, his legs flailing akimbo, bird and feathers scattering willy-nilly. At first I got pissed, because you know--that's dinner--but watching him scream and curse was hilarious, and then when he would occasionally connect, oh man, it was a scene of wonderment. I eventually decided to join in.
But seriously, have you ever kicked a chicken? It's AWESOME! It's everything you would think it would be, and more. They squawk wildly, feathers fly everywhere, and everyone has a good laugh. The best part is that it's like Madden: You can compete with your friends, and it never gets old. Who can kick a chicken the furthest? Who can kick the most chickens in ten minutes? Can you actually kill a chicken with one kick? High comedy, I'm telling you.
After a few days of reigning various sorts of terror on the animals, SlingBlade and I decided that we should probably do some chores. We figured this out when the cows started bleeding from their udders. This is what happens when you don't milk them for several days. Oh well, they are just walking hamburger anyway, fuck'em.
But doing chores is much more fun when you're drunk, so SlingBlade and I pounded about 30 beers a piece and a gallon of Tucker Death Mix in probably like ten minutes.
SlingBlade "I'm drunker'n fire!"
Tucker "YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! WE DONE GOT TUCKER MAX DRUNK!!!!!!! LOL!!!"
Milking the cows was a disaster. We pretty much gave up after one of the cows kicked SlingBlade. Still TUCKER MAX DRUNK we decided to feed the pigs. We entered the hog barn and found Sally, one of the sows, and Earl, our older boar, in the middle of their mating ritual. As Earl tried to mount Sally she would move away. Earl would then rub her ears, neck and side with his snout, grunting and snuffling all the while, until he would again try to mount.
SlingBlade "Even pigs are teases. Hey Earl, she probably already fucked the dog."
Sally eventually let him mount her, arching her back slightly downward and thrusting her hips upward to better receive the boars love muscle. I got in very close to better observe the mating and was able to see Earls' cock emerging from it's sheath. It was about two inches around with a corkscrew like tip. When it was finally hard it was about twenty inches long, and the boar cock missed Sally's very swollen pink pussy the first four hunches of Earls' hips but then found the correct alignment and started drilling deeper into her steamy sex tunnel.
SlingBlade "YEAH EARL!! FUCK HER LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE TOMORROW!!!"
Tucker Max "STICK IT IN HER HAM!!"
Earl finally slid off of Sally and wandered out the door in search of his favorite mud hole. While I watched I remember reading in the Kinsey report I think about people in isolated rural areas having sex with various animals. Supposedly due to the lack of the opposite sex or availability of the same. I also seemed to recall a time when I entered an Uncle's barn and found an older cousin on a milk stool, with his pants down fucking the cow. Whether this was an actual event or just my imagination trying to justify what I was about to do I'm not sure.
Tucker "Dude, maybe its the fact that I'm TUCKER MAX DRUNK (LOL!!) but I am kinda horny. I think I want to fuck that slut whore pig."
SlingBlade "Well, she wouldn't be the fattest girl you've fucked. Not even the fattest one this month."
Tucker "COME OVER HERE BITCH, I'M GOING TO FUCK THE PORK OUT OF YOU!"
Sally stood for me while I rubbed her all over and seemed to push back on my hand when I rubbed the swollen lips of her cunt. I inserted a finger gently into her slit and she definately pushed back on it as I pushed it in. She also humped her hips when I rubbed her clit. I had to squat slightly to achieve the proper alignment. Bearing the weight of one hand on her hips I lined up my throbbing eight inches of man meat and pushed it into her hot, tight wet hog pussy. God it felt great in there, a lot better than all the fat, drunk whores I'd been doing lately. I lasted only a few strokes that time because the sensations of hot slippery pig cunt that pulsed and milked at my boner was more than I could take.
I stayed hard though and fucked until I was about to come a third time. Right as I reached climax I said, "Mmmmm...bacon."
SlingBlade "Well, I guess that gives new meaning to the term 'slam pig.'"
I thought about what I'd just done, while working, and felt a little guilty about screwing a pig but hey, if she can't take a joke, fuck her.
The April Fools Joke
On April 1st, I posted the above story. To the credit of my fans, 90% understood that this was an April Fools Joke, but the ones that didn't get it...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Did you really think that I FUCKED A PIG??? Some emails:
"This is my response to the farm story. It is not a funny response. It is,
actually, somewhat didactic.
I am not that put-off by your sexual perversions. I mean, I already knew
that you were depraved, that is partly the reason that I read your site. I
also read your site because I find that it is not only forthright, but
intelligent. It is my opinion that your stories are successful because,
despite your wanton debauchery, you seem to live by a code of honour. You
have personally defined this "code" and your own rules with indifference for
the opinions of others, and it is for this reason that your readers respect
(and even venerate) you.
Having said that, I think that, although, the Farm Story was starkly honest,
it was neither funny, nor intelligent. It was shocking and base. Period.
I would even say that, for me, it felt slightly desperate. In short, I felt
that the Farm Story was an insult to the intelligence of your readers.
Sure, it will appeal to a certain faction of your public, but, I think that,
for a man whose commodity is not not just shock, but also wit and respect,
telling this story, purely for the smut factor, was a disappointment.
The only thing that could have saved your story is if SlingBlade would have
signed up for round two and taken your pig-semen saturated penis into one of
his gaping orifices. That would have been a story worth telling."
Or this one:
"What the Mother-fuck!!??
Ok Cuz, that is it. You need to get the fuck out and get some new material! The new story brings a whole new meaning to the term "Gone Hoggin'" Lucky for you that the story took place so long ago, as I woulda definitly had to drive up to NYC and fuck your shit up. Damn dude, ya dont have to share everything.
Oh well, I guess I've met a few rump-wranglers that have done worse, but not by much. The thing that is truely hillarious about the story is this:
The looks on the faces of all of the bitches that you have fucked, as they read that story. Half of them are probably horrified and the other half are releived that THEY are not the biggest pig you ever banged."
Or one more:
"Dude please tell me your joking. You were my hero, but just like Barry Bonds you have let me down."
Seriously, I cannot get over that some of my fans don't put it past me to have sex with animals. Not only that I would fuck them, but that I would admit to it. This boggles my mind.
Beyond that, the story kinda sucked, and had random LOL's and Tucker Max Drunk references all over it. Come on people.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd made it more subtle. I cringe to imagine the scenario.
Actually, the absolute worst emails were the ones from people who told me that they didn't care if I fucked animals, they still respected me. WHAT THE FUCK!??! I don't have many rules I live by, but not respecting people who FUCK ANIMALS has to be at the top of the list.
Lud e, prijatelcinja, sto nasto!
First read the story, then the explanation
Spring break shortly after my 23rd birthday, my parents and grandparents decided to visit an ailing aunt several miles away. My grandmother owned a farm in Kentucky, and they left me in charge of it.
I was in law school at the time and did not want to be bothered with taking care of a fucking farm, but I was stuck with it, because my grandmother threatened to tell the police about the time I stabbed that hooker to death and left her body in the ravine at the farm. I decided to recruit a friend to come with me. Considering that this farm was in Kentucky, the only person who's life was sad enough to want to spend a week with me there was SlingBlade.
My job on the farm was to keep the animals fed, watered, milked, etc, but that sucked. Pretty much immediately, SlingBlade's ADD kicked in and he started fucking with the animals. He became obsessed with kicking chickens. He would run around like Ronaldo chasing a loose ball, his legs flailing akimbo, bird and feathers scattering willy-nilly. At first I got pissed, because you know--that's dinner--but watching him scream and curse was hilarious, and then when he would occasionally connect, oh man, it was a scene of wonderment. I eventually decided to join in.
But seriously, have you ever kicked a chicken? It's AWESOME! It's everything you would think it would be, and more. They squawk wildly, feathers fly everywhere, and everyone has a good laugh. The best part is that it's like Madden: You can compete with your friends, and it never gets old. Who can kick a chicken the furthest? Who can kick the most chickens in ten minutes? Can you actually kill a chicken with one kick? High comedy, I'm telling you.
After a few days of reigning various sorts of terror on the animals, SlingBlade and I decided that we should probably do some chores. We figured this out when the cows started bleeding from their udders. This is what happens when you don't milk them for several days. Oh well, they are just walking hamburger anyway, fuck'em.
But doing chores is much more fun when you're drunk, so SlingBlade and I pounded about 30 beers a piece and a gallon of Tucker Death Mix in probably like ten minutes.
SlingBlade "I'm drunker'n fire!"
Tucker "YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! WE DONE GOT TUCKER MAX DRUNK!!!!!!! LOL!!!"
Milking the cows was a disaster. We pretty much gave up after one of the cows kicked SlingBlade. Still TUCKER MAX DRUNK we decided to feed the pigs. We entered the hog barn and found Sally, one of the sows, and Earl, our older boar, in the middle of their mating ritual. As Earl tried to mount Sally she would move away. Earl would then rub her ears, neck and side with his snout, grunting and snuffling all the while, until he would again try to mount.
SlingBlade "Even pigs are teases. Hey Earl, she probably already fucked the dog."
Sally eventually let him mount her, arching her back slightly downward and thrusting her hips upward to better receive the boars love muscle. I got in very close to better observe the mating and was able to see Earls' cock emerging from it's sheath. It was about two inches around with a corkscrew like tip. When it was finally hard it was about twenty inches long, and the boar cock missed Sally's very swollen pink pussy the first four hunches of Earls' hips but then found the correct alignment and started drilling deeper into her steamy sex tunnel.
SlingBlade "YEAH EARL!! FUCK HER LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE TOMORROW!!!"
Tucker Max "STICK IT IN HER HAM!!"
Earl finally slid off of Sally and wandered out the door in search of his favorite mud hole. While I watched I remember reading in the Kinsey report I think about people in isolated rural areas having sex with various animals. Supposedly due to the lack of the opposite sex or availability of the same. I also seemed to recall a time when I entered an Uncle's barn and found an older cousin on a milk stool, with his pants down fucking the cow. Whether this was an actual event or just my imagination trying to justify what I was about to do I'm not sure.
Tucker "Dude, maybe its the fact that I'm TUCKER MAX DRUNK (LOL!!) but I am kinda horny. I think I want to fuck that slut whore pig."
SlingBlade "Well, she wouldn't be the fattest girl you've fucked. Not even the fattest one this month."
Tucker "COME OVER HERE BITCH, I'M GOING TO FUCK THE PORK OUT OF YOU!"
Sally stood for me while I rubbed her all over and seemed to push back on my hand when I rubbed the swollen lips of her cunt. I inserted a finger gently into her slit and she definately pushed back on it as I pushed it in. She also humped her hips when I rubbed her clit. I had to squat slightly to achieve the proper alignment. Bearing the weight of one hand on her hips I lined up my throbbing eight inches of man meat and pushed it into her hot, tight wet hog pussy. God it felt great in there, a lot better than all the fat, drunk whores I'd been doing lately. I lasted only a few strokes that time because the sensations of hot slippery pig cunt that pulsed and milked at my boner was more than I could take.
I stayed hard though and fucked until I was about to come a third time. Right as I reached climax I said, "Mmmmm...bacon."
SlingBlade "Well, I guess that gives new meaning to the term 'slam pig.'"
I thought about what I'd just done, while working, and felt a little guilty about screwing a pig but hey, if she can't take a joke, fuck her.
The April Fools Joke
On April 1st, I posted the above story. To the credit of my fans, 90% understood that this was an April Fools Joke, but the ones that didn't get it...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Did you really think that I FUCKED A PIG??? Some emails:
"This is my response to the farm story. It is not a funny response. It is,
actually, somewhat didactic.
I am not that put-off by your sexual perversions. I mean, I already knew
that you were depraved, that is partly the reason that I read your site. I
also read your site because I find that it is not only forthright, but
intelligent. It is my opinion that your stories are successful because,
despite your wanton debauchery, you seem to live by a code of honour. You
have personally defined this "code" and your own rules with indifference for
the opinions of others, and it is for this reason that your readers respect
(and even venerate) you.
Having said that, I think that, although, the Farm Story was starkly honest,
it was neither funny, nor intelligent. It was shocking and base. Period.
I would even say that, for me, it felt slightly desperate. In short, I felt
that the Farm Story was an insult to the intelligence of your readers.
Sure, it will appeal to a certain faction of your public, but, I think that,
for a man whose commodity is not not just shock, but also wit and respect,
telling this story, purely for the smut factor, was a disappointment.
The only thing that could have saved your story is if SlingBlade would have
signed up for round two and taken your pig-semen saturated penis into one of
his gaping orifices. That would have been a story worth telling."
Or this one:
"What the Mother-fuck!!??
Ok Cuz, that is it. You need to get the fuck out and get some new material! The new story brings a whole new meaning to the term "Gone Hoggin'" Lucky for you that the story took place so long ago, as I woulda definitly had to drive up to NYC and fuck your shit up. Damn dude, ya dont have to share everything.
Oh well, I guess I've met a few rump-wranglers that have done worse, but not by much. The thing that is truely hillarious about the story is this:
The looks on the faces of all of the bitches that you have fucked, as they read that story. Half of them are probably horrified and the other half are releived that THEY are not the biggest pig you ever banged."
Or one more:
"Dude please tell me your joking. You were my hero, but just like Barry Bonds you have let me down."
Seriously, I cannot get over that some of my fans don't put it past me to have sex with animals. Not only that I would fuck them, but that I would admit to it. This boggles my mind.
Beyond that, the story kinda sucked, and had random LOL's and Tucker Max Drunk references all over it. Come on people.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd made it more subtle. I cringe to imagine the scenario.
Actually, the absolute worst emails were the ones from people who told me that they didn't care if I fucked animals, they still respected me. WHAT THE FUCK!??! I don't have many rules I live by, but not respecting people who FUCK ANIMALS has to be at the top of the list.
Lud e, prijatelcinja, sto nasto!
nervoza me fati