Pedometer Results:
Suspect: Pedophile?
Fernando Arenas Collazo: Fernando is wanted for "murder with a deadly weapon" according to the FBI website. As opposed to being wanted for murder with a non-deadly weapon?
Status: At large
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No[/FONT]
Dennis Ferguson: Ferguson, seen here with extra creepy, is an Australian pedophile who molested three kids. The Judge who sentenced him said his chances of rehabilitation were "nil," so they sentenced him to 14 years. Bang up job you can eaters.
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Yes[/FONT]
The Jesus: The dude's a pederast.
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Yes[/FONT]
Calvin Maurice Cooley: Not only wanted by the FBI, but also the fashion police for having the worst comb-over in the history of the universe. That's not to say that if his hair were fixed, he'd be a contender for People's sexiest man alive or anything. He'd still need a shave, a diet, a new face, and a different name. Words that end in 'y' piss me off. Then maybe, but it'd still be a long shot.
The official FBI report states that Cooley went to a man's house, pulled out a gun and demanded money from him. No creativity points for Cooley. If you're going to rob someone, you don't just walk up to their house. That's stupid. I don't mean to imply that if you're robbing someone you're not stupid already, but at least put a little effort into it. A Santa mask or something; maybe a chin dildo. Make it festive.
Status: At large
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No[/FONT]
Elizabeth Anna Duke: Elizabeth Duke is possibly the only person on the FBI list wanted for
communism. What a bitch! Duke was a member of the extremist group, May 19th Communist Organization, whose objective was the violent overthrow of the US. The group was largely active from 1978 to 1985, at which time they got busted and thrown in jail where their new objective became to prevent any violent uprisings in their ass. She's the only one still around. It's not really a group anymore if it's just you, dipshit! America wins.
Status: At large
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No[/FONT]
Elby Jessie Hars: Okay, here's a tip: if you're doing something creepy like molesting children, you don't need to take topless photos of yourself to seal the deal. We know, the pedosmile is enough.
Elby was charged with having sex with a minor in 2000 (although it might have been a
miner when you take into consideration the deep fissure between his teeth), and took a plane trip to avoid prosecution. The FBI didn't have to search hard to find out what flight he was on that day, they simply checked the passenger list for single travelers who bought two seats together. Plus his name was on the list, so that helped.
Status: At large
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Yes[/FONT]
John Bolton: John Bolton is proof that looks can be deceiving. Though a moustache that looks this menacing might send up red flags, Bolton is no pedophile. His sexual deviancy is limited to allegations of coercing his first wife into group sex at a swinger's resort.
Other than that, the only thing you can pin him with is that whole trumping up the case for war using forged uranium enrichment documents that the CIA called doubtful, but still, he hasn't molested children and I think we can all agree that's admirable.
Status: Still a douche
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No[/FONT]
Saad Echouafni: Saad Echouafni is wanted by the FBI for being 2 cool 4 school. That's right, Saad Echouafni is a hacker. Or at least he thought he was, when he got busted for orchestrating a distributed denial of service attack (DDoS) to shut down websites. In the hacking community, a "script kiddie" is someone who uses programs and hacking tools developed by others to wreak havoc on their enemies. They're looked down upon in the community because these script kiddies usually don't have the talent, knowledge, or patience to develop complex programs themselves. Instead, they opt to use code written by others with drag-and-drop interfaces (see Visual Basic), to carry out their attacks.
Echouafni is slightly worse than a script kiddie because he didn't even bother running the programs himself, but paid other people to do it for him. Everyone involved in the DDoS attack was caught, except Echouafni, who skipped bail like the chicken shit he is, letting everyone else take the heat for him.
Status: At large, probably in Morocco
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No[/FONT]
William Claybourne Taylor: William Taylor looks more like Lurch from "The Adam's Family" than any person should, including the actor who played Lurch:
He's wanted for trying to kill the mayor of Williston, Florida in 1977, but killed an INS agent instead. Nice going dumbass.
Status: At large
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No[/FONT]
Debra Lafave When she's not airing out her gum holes along with those enormous teeth, it's fair to say that Lafave is possibly the hottest pedophile ever. She was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old student of hers. Her initial defense was to plead insanity, which would have been a bullet-proof argument because a woman of her hotness would have to be out of her mind to sleep with a 14-year-old boy when there are 27-year-old website authors standing at the ready.
Status: Working out a plea deal.
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Yes[/FONT]
Sheik Ahmed Yassin When I first saw this picture, Yassin looked really familiar. Then it hit me:
Holy shit! Sheik Ahmed Yassin is really Saruman from "Lord of the Rings!" It's hard not to cast judgement when seen in unfortunately suggestive photos like the one above. I guess a Hobbit could be considered a poor man's child if you were really hard up. Saruman spent all his time trying to get Hobbits. Yassin looks like Saruman, and is seen here trying to get some lip from strangely Hobbitesque a boy. Hmmm..
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No[/FONT]
On the left is Mark David Keller, wanted for paying young homeless boys for sex. Notice the telltale sign of a man who has a penchant for boy ass: the pedophile-smile or "pedosmile." It's part smirk, part grin, and all molester. It's like he's having a two-for-one sale on rape, no refunds or exchanges. On the right is John Henry Ramirez, wanted for plain old capital murder. Notice the cold gaze, and no smile. Definitely not a child molester. Probably. Here's a chance to test your pedometer. Take this quiz to see if you can spot the pedophiles. Choose "yes" or "no" for each suspect; you will be graded at the end. 
