Ај малце да се насмееме.
Премиер лигашки шеги:
Sky Reporter "So Peter, What would you be if you weren't a footballer?"..
Peter Crouch "A Virgin".
Roberto Mancini said there will be a new face arriving at the Eastlands soon. Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who gets it.
Sir Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsène Wenger's team went on such a magnificent unbeaten run, so he decides on a visit to Arsenal's training ground to see how Wenger trains his players.
After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. "Well, it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally". Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Thierry Henry to come over. He asks: "Henry, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?" "That is not difficult," Henry answers immediately, "Of course that is me." "You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp," Wenger says to Ferguson.
Fergie, who wants to be the next "Invincibles", decides to bring this into his training the next day. He calls Ruud van Nistlerooy over. "Ruud, I have a question for you," he says, "He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?" "My God, Ferguson," is van Nistlerooy's reply, "That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night?" Ferguson agrees with the one-night postponement.
So that night RvN decides to call Jaap Stam. He has been at Manchester United, so maybe he knows something about these questions. "Jaap Stam, maybe you know the answer to this question: he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?" "That is easy, that is me!" says Stam.
So the next day RvN walks full of confidence to Fergie. Fergie asks: "Ruud, do you know the answer to my question now?" "Yes it was actually very easy," he says, "Is it Jaap Stam?"
Ferguson answers, "No of course not you stupid b*****d. It’s Thierry Henry."
NEWSFLASH: Criminals have broken into Goodison Park and burgled the trophy room. Police are looking for 2 men with a carpet.
A little late, but here goes:
Liverpool have a well-known goalscoring problem, so over the summer they send their top scout around the world to look for some top talent. Around the end of his trip, he stops over in Baghdad, and happens to see a young Iraqi lad playing on the street. The kid is phenomenal, so the scout recommends him to Brendan Rogers.
Liverpool sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
Opening game of the season, Liverpool are down 3-0 at home, with only 15 minutes left. With nothing to lose, Rodgers gives the kid the nod and the young Iraqi runs onto the pitch, replacing Luis Suarez.
The kid is a sensation - scores 4 goals in 15 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love their new star.
When the player comes off the field he's an instant hero, but because he's a humble and grounded lad, the first thing he does is phone his mum to tell her about his first day of English premiership football.
"Hello Mom, guess what" says the youngter "Did you see? I got my first 15 minutes and scored 4 goals, it's amazing I love it here, I can't believe what a day I've had!"
"Well that's wonderful and all" says his mom, "but let me tell you about my day. While you were out playing your football and celebrating with your new friends, your father was shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother ran off and joined a gang of looters."
The young Iraqi boy is obviously very, very upset. He's shocked, and doesn't know what to say "What can I say mum, that's awful, I'm so sorry"
"SORRY?" she replies."You're sorry?? It's because of you we moved to Liverpool in the first place"
Have you heard of the new "Arsenal Bra"?
It's got lots of support, but no cups.
What do Tottenham Hotspur fans do after their team wins a match? They turn off the XBOX.
Richard Branson has been asked to sponsor Spurs, but he declined saying, ”I couldn't have Virgin on the shirts of a team that gets fucked every week!”
Rooney went to visit Muamba,you know,after his condition."it's fantastic!he can actually contstruct sentences now."
Said Muamba.
Оваа не е ЕПЛ ама сепак фудбалска е
Barcelona's dressing room minutes before kick off in the Champions League clásico:
"Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this s---. Remember what the b-----ds did to us in the Copa del Rey. If you don't win, those f--kers at Madrid will be onto the final. Now I don't care if you kick, punch, head-butt, or dive your way to victory; you must win this. Good luck."
Then Pep Guardiola walks in and says, "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here."
How do you confuse a Tottenham player? Give him a trophy.
Emile Heskey's Tombstone: "Sadly Missed"
What do you call a woman with two cunts? Mrs Neville.
A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make up, bra, knickers, suspenders, six inch heels and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.
И да не испадне немало и за Челзи:
Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Tottenham players on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
The Chelsea boys win their champions league game against Barcelona and go out to a night club to celebrate their victory. So while in the night club Frank Lampard is approached by some girl groupies and they ask him to sign their faces, so he does, while the other girls go to John Terry flash their chests and ask him to sign their Breasts, so he does and then they went to Abrahimovic and pulled down their pants and asked him for his signature, then Abrahmovic refused and said "No no no, im not falling for that one again, the last spanish c**t i signed cost me 50 million!".
A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make up, bra, knickers, suspenders, six inch heels and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.
What do you get if Chelsea are relegated?
50,000 more Man city fans
How do you confuse a chelsea fan?
Take him to london and ask for directions
What's the difference between a title and relegation?
A russian billionaire