Вицеви на англиски (или друг јазик) - тука!

[Divider]

What do you do when you see a nnigger hanging in your front yard?
Nothing, just heang him in the back!

Definition of mass confusion:
Fathers day in Harlem!

What do you get when you mix a nigger and an octopuss?
- I do not know, but man it can pick cotton!

What is the diffgerence between a nigger and a car tire?
-When you put chains on a car tire it does not start singing the blues!

 

[Гижо]

1.What is the diference between Jew in a oven and an Apple Pie in a oven?

-an apple pie in a oven doesn't scream.

2.What is the fastest thing on two wheels?

-A Jew on a bike driving in Berlin 1941.

3.Did you heard about the man that lost his left side?

-He is all right now.

 

[fsreplay]

Три вештерки гледаат три Swatch саати. Која вештерка кој Swatch саат го гледа?

... како се кажува ова на англиски?

* Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?

:lol:

 

[Гижо]

abe ova so veshterkive od onnet si go zemal

 

[fsreplay]

da be interesno e zatoa go staviv tuka ke ostane podolgo.

 

[Гижо]

Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, Mr Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician''s diagnosis was:
- Mr. Bush, like all normal people, you have two brains: the left and the right. But the problem is: in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left!

 

[LadyPatron]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew
up, etc So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class,
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"

"GOD SAVE AMERICA"

 

[SeaGull]

Classic

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for £500.



So they do



Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment ‘RENT FOR APARMENT.’



On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So has his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following typed note.



Dear Madam: - Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.



However, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:



Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady.



Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

 

[SeaGull]

>> >Zena:
>> >- Dragi, sutra nam je godisnjica braka. Da zakoljemo prase?
>> >Muz:
>> >- A zasto? Nije ti ono krivo.
>> >
>> >
>> >Tone brod. Japanac nervozno seta gore-dolje a Crnogorac mirno sjedi.
>> >- Sto da radim?, zavapi Japanac.
>> >- Oca ti j*bem japanskog, vi bi samo nesto radili!

 

[humanoid]

Cowboy and Chili

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West
Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you
ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
The bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was

Shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

 

[Divider]

- Ispekli Srbin i Crnogorac prase. Srbin kaze: "E, sada cemo da ga
podelimo bratski". A Crnogorac ce: "A necemo, bogumi nego popola".

- "UPOMOC!!! Upravo me je silovao neki Crnogorac!!!"
- "Pa otkud znate da je bas Crnogorac?"
- "Morala sam sve sama da radim."

- Spilberg odlucio snimiti film u Crnoj Gori. Snime oni film o
Crnogorcu, a na filmu Crnogorac 2 sata spava.
Film u Americi postigne veliki uspjeh, pa je Spilberg odlucio snimiti
jos jedan film. Odu u Crnu Goru te snimaju film. Za vrijeme filma Steve
se digne i veli Crnogorcu: "Cujes, jel bi se mog'o malo dignut, da nije
toliko jednolican film."
A Crnogorac njemu veli: "Pa nijesam ti ja kaskader"

- Bila crnogorka trudna. Mesec, dva, devet, dvanaest meseci. Zabrinu se
svi u kuci zasto dete nece da "izadje". Pokusa prvo otac:
- "Ajde, djeticu, izilazi, dacu ti 5000 maraka."
- "Djeticu, izilazi, kupice ti striko Mercedes."
Mali cuti. Kada su vec svi poceli da ocajavaju, javi se djedo da
pokusa da namami malog napolje:
- "Djeticu, izilazi! Ako izidjes, bices djeneral!"
A mali ce:
- "A jel' u penziji?"

- Zavladala velika glad u Crnoj Gori. Ne znaju Crnogorci sta ce ... te
udri vijecanje, zasjedanje ... helem, donesu odluku da izvrse
kolektivno samoubistvo skokom sa Lovcena.
I ... kako odluce, tako i urade... popenju se na Lovcen i podju da
skoce. Kad ... trci jedan odozdo i vice: "Ljudi, ljudi, nemojte skakat',
eno dosla krtola iz Srbije."
"No, je li oguljena", pitaju samoubice.
"Nije...", veli ovaj.
"Skaci...", slijedi naredjenje

- Dosao Crnogorac kod urologa, izvadio kitu, i stavio je na sto. Doktor
gleda, gleda, i ustanovi da je
izgleda sve u redu, ali ga pita:- "A, velju coce, e te boli?"- "Ne."-
"E te svrbi?"- "Ma jok."- "E te
pece?"- "Ma ne."- "Pa sto si dosao?"- "A vidju ga kako je lijep..."

- Isao Crnogorac ulicom i odjedno mu se pripisalo, gdje ce sta ce,
prisloni se uz neku ogradu. Neka gospodja prolazeci ugleda to i poce
vristati. Crnogorac joj pomirljivo rece." NE BOJ SE BONA DRZIM GA".

- Djevojka: Eto, gospodine sudija, krenem ja ulicom, kad mene on
zgrabi!
Crnogorac: Laze, druze sudija, laze, crkla dabogda!
Djevojka: Pa me stade 'vatati, pa pipati, pa kuku mene jadne!
Crnogorac: Laze kurva, laze!
Djevojka: Pa na kraju kad raskopca pantalone...
Crnogorac: Laze, oko da joj ispadne!
Djevojka: Pa kad izvadi onaj njegov od pola metra...
Crnogorac: A bogu mi, sto jes' jes'...

 

[Crni]

Dosao Ciga kod ginekologa i kaze mu:
- "A bre doktor, ja i moja zena u brak, a nema deca."
Pita njega doktor:
- "Imate li vi i vasa zena redovni sexualni odnos?"
- "A bre, sta ti je to doktor?"
- "Mislim, spavate li?"
- "Spavamo, spavamo, i to imamo svaki svoj kauc, mi bogati doktor."
- "Vi treba da spavate zajedno."
Ode Ciga, al' evo ga par meseci kasnije:
- "A bre doktor, pa nema deca!"
Vidi doktor da Cigi nije jasno i sa snebivanjem mu objasni:
- "Cigo, ti trebas da stavis svoj u njenu, mislim, razumes..."
- "Dobro, dobro doktor, kad ti tako kazes."
Uvece legnu Ciga i zena, a on joj stavi nos u dupe. Posle pet
minuta vice Ciga:
- "A BRE ZENOOO, EVO DECA NA MOTORCICI!!!"

 

[Crni]

odje covek kod cigana da usvoji dete. Ciga samo zvizne i i svih
osamnaest komada se poreda u vrtu. Pridje covek najmladjem i upita Cigu:
- "Je'l mogu njega da uzmem?"
- "Nemoj njega, molim te. On mi je najmladji, njega najvise volim."
- "Dobro."
Krene on dalje da bira i stane ispred jedne devojcice:
- "A nju kad bi uz'o?"
- "Nemoj ni nju, ona mi najlepse peva."
Nastavi on sa biranjem i pokaze na nekog klinca:
- "Ovaj je bas sladak."
- "Nemoj ni njega, ko Boga te molim. On mi najlepse svira harmoniku."
I tako dodju oni do najstarijeg.
- "A ovaj?"
- "Pa njega mozes da uzmes, ali samo da znas - on je lud."
- "Kako, bre, lud?"
- "Pa tako lepo. On mi je sve ovo napravio!"

 

[Crni]

Ulaze ljudi u bus. Prvo ciganka a za njom neka gospodja u bundi.
Ciganka kupuje kartu kod vozaca i vadi dinar po dinar. Gospodji iza
nje se valjda zurilo, pa ce nestrpljivo:
- "Pobogu, gde ste nasli tako sitno, jel' moze to malo brze?"
- "E moja gospoja" - odgovara ciganka, "dinar po dinar - karta,
a kurac po kurac - BUNDA!"

 

[Crni]

Postavi kapetan vojnika Cigu da radi u magacinu hrane, i kaze:
- "Nemoj, Cigo, da bi nesto nestalo, nije ovo sala!"
- "Nema da brines, drug kapetan!"
Posle nedelju dana, inventar. Nedostaje dzak brasna...
- "CIGOOO!!! Gde je dzak brasna, sunce li ti je*em, sad cu te
strpati u zatvor!"
- "Joj, drug kapetan, pojeli misevi!"
- "Hm..., pa zasto ne rece? Nego da zaduzis otrov, da se resis tih
miseva. Ama, nesto si mi sumnjiv..."
- "Ce da trujem, drug kapetan, nema problema!"
Posle nedelju dana, inventar. Nedostaje dzak secera...
- "CIGOOOO!!!! Fali dzak secera, boga li ti ciganskog, krades robu,
sad cu da zovem vojnu policiju, pa njima objasnjavaj!"
- "Joj, drug kapetan, toliko misevi nisi u zivot video, ne mogu da
stignem, sve su secer pojeli..."
- "I bas jedan dzak secera.
- "Joj, drug kapetan, ceo su dzak pojeli..."
- "Slusaj, dajem ti poslednju priliku, ali ako opet ti tvoji "misevi"
pojedu nesto, neces sunca videti kad te strpam u murdelj,
jesi l' razumeo?"
- "Razumem, drug kapetan."
Posle nedelju dana, inventar. Nedostaje cela kutija bibera.
- "CIGO, DOLAZI OVAMO! Kutija od pet kila bibera, gde je, oca ti
je*em, sad si gotov!"
- "Joj, drug kapetan, sta se desilo, da ne verujes! Idem ti ja tako
po magacin, cistim staze, kad cujem iza nesto smrca. Kad ja tamo,
a ono mis, sedi, jede biber i place."